No One Needs Me Around

Edited: 6/12/2013 10:16 AM by

No One Needs Me Around I have been having suicidal thoughts a lot again. I have been so sad lately. I have been kind of sick but I have used it as an excuse not to go to school just because I don't think I could make it through the day with out breaking down into tears. Today I left school early. I told everyone that it was because I wasn't feeling well. Technically that wasn't a lie, but people think that I am sick. I'm not sick but I'm sick of feeling like this. I don't know how long I have felt like this but it seems like forever. I see my friends and when I am dying on the inside I pretend everything is okay on the outside. I must be very good at pretending to be okay because nobody ever asks me how I am doing. I need someone to talk to. I have been thinking about suicide for a long time now and I am scared. I don't have anyone to talk to and I almost went through with it today. I made a plan. And that scares me. A big part of me doesn't want to die, but I am afraid that one day my want to die will become larger than my will to live. I have never told anyone how I fell. I fell like I will be judge. I was always told that its okay to be sad for a little bit but then you have to man up and get over it. I haven't been able to man up. I was going to tell else how I have been feeling but I feel like we aren't as close anymore. That's making it easier for me to think about suicide as well because the only reason that I stopped myself about a month ago was because I saw how sad she was when some one she barely knew committed suicide. It killed me to think about what it would do to her and all of my other friends and my family. But lately I have been more distant from every one and I feel like everyone would do just fine with out me. I have been rationalizing how nobody needs me. It has been way to easy. I am scared and I need help. I don't want to die.  ​

Edited: 6/12/2013 10:20 AM by

We’re glad that you are reaching out to us again since your suicidal thoughts have increased lately.  Having a plan is pretty serious, especially since you feel like you almost went through with it today.  When you are having concrete thoughts about ending your life like that, you really need to reach out and let someone know.  You mentioned writing a letter to a teacher in the past.  Whatever happened with that?  Can you let that teacher or a school counselor know if you have these thoughts while at school?  The best way to reach us in a crisis is by phone.  Our number is 1-800-448-3000, and we’re available 24/7.  Your school might have a policy against using phones during the day, but it’s better that you reach out and get help if you need it than do something to hurt yourself, no matter what the rules.    When you have depression and suicidal thoughts, no amount of simply “man-ing up” is going to make you feel better.  Yes, you do have a part to play in feeling better.  But you also need the help of other people, like a therapist and maybe even a doctor.  We really encourage you to tell your parents about how you’ve been feeling (including the suicidal thoughts and plans) and ask to see a therapist or your doctor.  You want to feel better.  So reach out for the help that you need.  You wouldn’t just tough it out if you broke your leg, so why would you tough it out with this?  There’s nothing at all to be ashamed of.    Please let us know how you are doing.   Jen, Crisis Counselor