Do you feel alone in your relationship?
Published on October 30, 2011 by Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. in Love Doc
Successful in her career,
with a svelte body, a winning smile, and good friends, Elise,
nevertheless, felt sad and alone. It is not that Elise is prone to fits
of self-pity or that she is ungrateful for what she has. It's that she
wanted a more intimate relationship with her partner Adam. Her dream
relationship had deteriorated and she felt depressed.
Like Elise, for other people in unsatisfactory relationships, New Year's Eve looms large. Whether you are unhappily married or in a frayed relationship, New Year's Eve, can be the loneliest night of the year. If, however, address the issues now, you can prevent that sad feeling.
Although the snow is premature, preventing loneliness is not. With the Holidays less than two months away, time is of the essence. That means you act now.
Discovered in the 1990's in Parma Italy, mirror neurons link two people at an internal level in a meaningful relationship. In a romantic relationship,
matching mirror neurons reflect each partner's thoughts, feelings,
behaviors, and desires to each other. With matching mirror neurons,
lovers can walk in each others' shoes emotionally ─ which is what
empathy and intimacy is all about.
These remarkable mirror neurons operate in yet other ways. Linked by mirror neurons when you create change, your partner can't help but change as well. Think of it this way. Mirror neuron links are like links in a bracelet; move one and the other will then move.
But psychological matters are more complicated than bracelets. In the case of repeated ongoing painful interactions that become lodged into the brain, it seems like change is impossible.
But you can create change. You can dislodge the old dynamics from the brain and replace them with new healthy styles of relating. All of this is possible because of another scientific finding: the plastic brain that can reshape itself.
That means that you begin to do some soul-searching right now. Here are some tips.
Visit your past to see if some old scripts are being played out now. For example, if you had a preoccupied mother, you felt alone and you may have reacted with a temper tantrum. Are you repeating the old script with your partner who is simply busy with his work? On the other hand, as child, you may have withdrawn and sulked. Is this old script playing out now? In either case, once you separate the past from the present you will see your partner for who he is and you will not overreact.
Another area that brings out feelings of loneliness is when your partner and you engage in the blame game. Poor self esteem is the culprit here, so that rather than getting along, you are determined to prove you are right. There is nothing like the present to go on a journey to strengthen yourself internally. Indeed, strong people are flexible, and listen to another person's opinion.
Some of the ways to empower yourself, savor your strengths, and face your frailties that I elaborate on in The New Science of Love include:
a. Delete damaging childhood messages
b. Counter insidious societal messages about roles in relationships
c. Visualize a powerful woman or man who is able to communicate well, shows empathy and caring to his or her partner, and is an independent person who cherishes interdependence.
d. Model that person's behavior.
The stronger you become, the more you validate and respect who you are, the more mirror neurons will reflect these changes to your partner and the more he or she will validate and respect you. Remember you have only two months to create changes, so begin right now. Live each day like it is your last so that you can approach the Holiday season with hope for happiness, fulfillment, and love.
Like Elise, for other people in unsatisfactory relationships, New Year's Eve looms large. Whether you are unhappily married or in a frayed relationship, New Year's Eve, can be the loneliest night of the year. If, however, address the issues now, you can prevent that sad feeling.
Although the snow is premature, preventing loneliness is not. With the Holidays less than two months away, time is of the essence. That means you act now.
The good news is that you can use your brain
to prevent loneliness. The best place to start is yourself. Remember
you are in an interaction so that your attitude and behavior brings a
response from your partner. In my new book, The New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brain's Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship
(Sourcebooks, Casablanca, 2011) I elaborate on a groundbreaking
discovery of a special type of brain cell called "mirror neurons" that
explains how this kind of sequential change wor
These remarkable mirror neurons operate in yet other ways. Linked by mirror neurons when you create change, your partner can't help but change as well. Think of it this way. Mirror neuron links are like links in a bracelet; move one and the other will then move.
But psychological matters are more complicated than bracelets. In the case of repeated ongoing painful interactions that become lodged into the brain, it seems like change is impossible.
But you can create change. You can dislodge the old dynamics from the brain and replace them with new healthy styles of relating. All of this is possible because of another scientific finding: the plastic brain that can reshape itself.
That means that you begin to do some soul-searching right now. Here are some tips.
Visit your past to see if some old scripts are being played out now. For example, if you had a preoccupied mother, you felt alone and you may have reacted with a temper tantrum. Are you repeating the old script with your partner who is simply busy with his work? On the other hand, as child, you may have withdrawn and sulked. Is this old script playing out now? In either case, once you separate the past from the present you will see your partner for who he is and you will not overreact.
Another area that brings out feelings of loneliness is when your partner and you engage in the blame game. Poor self esteem is the culprit here, so that rather than getting along, you are determined to prove you are right. There is nothing like the present to go on a journey to strengthen yourself internally. Indeed, strong people are flexible, and listen to another person's opinion.
Some of the ways to empower yourself, savor your strengths, and face your frailties that I elaborate on in The New Science of Love include:
a. Delete damaging childhood messages
b. Counter insidious societal messages about roles in relationships
c. Visualize a powerful woman or man who is able to communicate well, shows empathy and caring to his or her partner, and is an independent person who cherishes interdependence.
d. Model that person's behavior.
The stronger you become, the more you validate and respect who you are, the more mirror neurons will reflect these changes to your partner and the more he or she will validate and respect you. Remember you have only two months to create changes, so begin right now. Live each day like it is your last so that you can approach the Holiday season with hope for happiness, fulfillment, and love.
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