Talking can open avenues of support and allow a person to be listened to and understood for the first time, instead of feeling so alone. When a disclosure doesn’t go well though, this can end up being discouraging and sometimes hurtful, causing a person to lose trust in the value of talking about problems. So how do we make sure that we get it right?
Everyone’s experience of disclosing can be different - some positive and some negative. Here’s two stories of disclosure and the impact it had on those who shared about self-harm:
“I was hurting myself for 2 years before I ever told anyone. I think to begin with I didn’t even know that it was self-harm because I was scratching and biting myself, but then I moved on to cutting as well. I was so upset all of the time and the frustrating thing was I didn’t even know why. The idea of telling somebody how I was feeling seemed stupid because I didn’t really know how to put it into words, and to then tell them I self-harm too – I thought that would make me look like an attention seeker. But keeping all that a secret made me feel really alone, and probably added to the feelings that made me carry on.
I started getting behind with schoolwork and sometimes crying in class or not even going to class, and my teacher noticed that something was wrong. She asked me after class one day if everything was ok. I was tired of holding it all in, and so I just blurted out what was going on. Her reaction was to stare at me, and then keep asking me why and telling me how dangerous it is. She said “this nonsense has to stop,” which made me feel really stupid. When she explained that she would call me parents in for a meeting I got really scared, I didn’t want any of this. She asked to see my arms, which made me feel uncomfortable, and said that she hoped to not see any more marks again. I left the classroom feeling rubbish, scared and angry with her.
After that I started to lie and say what I thought people wanted to hear. I guess I spiraled down a bit as everyone around me starting freaking out. I just closed myself off to get away from them. It wasn’t until I went to counseling that I started to trust people again, and found a way to communicate with my mum. Now I can see the benefit to talking, but it took a while to get here.”
- Amy aged 16
“My mum and dad split up when I was little so my mum had to bring us up on her own quite a lot. I respect her for that. She had a boyfriend for a while who I really didn’t like, he used to beat her, but he never hurt me in that way. But I never did anything about it ‘cause I was smaller than him. I wish I had done something.
That was probably why I started getting so down and angry all the time. My mates thought I’d started to go boring and so I stopped going out with them as much. Then this one boy started on me after school one day and I ran away. I was so annoyed at myself for being scared again that I went home and punched the wall outside our house.
After that rumours went around school, and more boys started to wait for me at the end of the day. I hated going to school and I hated myself for not being able to deal with it. So I started to do things to myself to avoid going to school – like swallowing things that would make me sick. And every time that I got really angry I had to hit something really hard. I started to realise that I was doing lots of things to my body that weren’t good for it, but I didn’t really know what else to do. I was worried about telling my mum because she had been through a lot and I didn’t want her to feel bad.
I decided to talk to my aunty about it as she said that I could go round whenever I wanted. I think she knew I was finding things difficult. I sat down and tried to explain, starting with the trouble at school and how it made me feel. When I told her about the harming she was really good about it, nodding her head and stuff. I was really glad that she didn’t make out I was weird. She just listened for a long time, which helped me to talk more than I thought I could. And then she suggested looking up some stuff online about self-harm and about bullying.
At the end, she suggested telling my mum but said that it would be best coming from me, so she helped me think of the best way of saying things. My mum was upset, but she was ok, at least she had my aunty to talk to as well. My uncle even started to help by buying me a punch bag and spending more time with me. As a boy I don’t really like to talk too much about stuff but I think I have learnt that it can really help - I wouldn’t have moved forwards otherwise.”
- Greg aged 15
Talking to somebody doesn’t always go to plan, as these stories show and unfortunately we cannot control other people’s reactions. Amy didn’t have a very good experience of disclosing, and so her journey took a bit longer. But Greg, on the other hand, immediately found that it made things a lot easier. Those initial conversations can be really difficult, and may well affect how hopeful a person feels about their situation. But overall, talking is a really valuable tool that in time - and with the right person - can make a massive difference. In itself, talking is a way of letting things out but it can also lead to referrals or helpful advice or signposting on to another source of information. Perhaps it is worth the risk.
If you are considering making a disclosure to somebody then, first of all – well done! And secondly, here are some suggestions that may help you:
- Choose someone you really trust
- Choose a good time when you won’t be interrupted
- Try writing down what you want to say so that you feel prepared, or can show them if you feel too scared
- Let the person know what you would like to happen as a result of the conversation
- Spend time listening and being patient
- Try not to make demands or ultimatums
- Ask them what help they would like
- Be honest – if you need to tell somebody else then let them know
- If you don’t have all the answers then that’s ok
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