As an
FBI agent, I raided brothels masking as massage parlors filled with
women from foreign countries, many of them brought to the U.S. illegally
and then forced into prostitution. These women were victims, lured to
the U.S. under the pretense of a better life, and then trapped into an
undesirable lifestyle by their circumstances.
The FBI established a Victim Assistance Program (VAP) to help these women, and others, receive the assistance they needed to survive by learning how to cope.
Like these women forced into prostitution, when we’re trapped by our circumstances, survival is all we think about. Survival is linked to victimhood…overcoming obstacles or adversity that has left us injured or suffering.
Mental toughness is not being content with survival. Like the purpose of the VAP, it is empowering victims to cope by taking control and growing, regardless of the hand that fate has handed out. People who thrive do not put bandages on wounds; instead, they allow deep healing so they do not suffer like victims. People who thrive will bloom where they are planted.
Mental toughness is the ability to prevail over out struggles and carve our a tranquil existence in the midst of life’s turbulence. Moving from just surviving to thriving requires a transformation. Here are 3 critical steps to trigger that transformation:
A mystery requires us to look at a situation from many different angles, or through a larger frame. A mystery calls for us to change sides, back and forth, so we can see it from every aspect. No one solves a mystery by deciding on one conclusion from the outset and then force-feeding the facts so they fit their image of a successful outcome.
If we reframe our adversity to look more like mysteries to be solved by careful analysis, then we can pick away at suppositions and judgments which may, or may not, be accurate. We remain open-minded about how to solve the problem and overcome the obstacle.
Often, goals needed to be changed as new information became available. So while my approach would shift from time to time, the game plan never did.
Goals are essential if progress is to be made in life, but it’s tempting to let them take the place of the bigger picture. If they do, it’s harder to pivot and move in a new direction when events take an unexpected turn.
Goals are a measure of where we will be and when we will make it there. We try to predict how quickly we can make progress, even though we have no idea what circumstances or situations will arise along the way.
To thrive, use goals to plan your progress but rely on a game plan to actually make progress (click to tweet).
Frankl wrote how Auschwitz taught him about the primary purpose of life: the quest for meaning, which sustained those who survived. His wife was eventually killed in the prison camp, and he himself struggled to find a reason for his suffering and slow dying.
According to Frankl, everything can be taken from a person except one thing: the most important human freedom—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way of thinking about their life.
© 2013 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.
You can follow me on Twitter
Sign up for my FREE Mental Toughness Mini-Course
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon
The FBI established a Victim Assistance Program (VAP) to help these women, and others, receive the assistance they needed to survive by learning how to cope.
Like these women forced into prostitution, when we’re trapped by our circumstances, survival is all we think about. Survival is linked to victimhood…overcoming obstacles or adversity that has left us injured or suffering.
Mental toughness is not being content with survival. Like the purpose of the VAP, it is empowering victims to cope by taking control and growing, regardless of the hand that fate has handed out. People who thrive do not put bandages on wounds; instead, they allow deep healing so they do not suffer like victims. People who thrive will bloom where they are planted.
Mental toughness is the ability to prevail over out struggles and carve our a tranquil existence in the midst of life’s turbulence. Moving from just surviving to thriving requires a transformation. Here are 3 critical steps to trigger that transformation:
Reframe Adversity
As an FBI agent, I approached my obstacles as unsolved mysteries to be investigated (click to tweet).A mystery requires us to look at a situation from many different angles, or through a larger frame. A mystery calls for us to change sides, back and forth, so we can see it from every aspect. No one solves a mystery by deciding on one conclusion from the outset and then force-feeding the facts so they fit their image of a successful outcome.
If we reframe our adversity to look more like mysteries to be solved by careful analysis, then we can pick away at suppositions and judgments which may, or may not, be accurate. We remain open-minded about how to solve the problem and overcome the obstacle.
Lead with Game Plans, not Goals
When working an FBI counterintelligence investigation, the game plan was to recruit foreign spies to work for the U.S. government. If recruitment was my overall game plan, then my job was to set short and long-term goals that would move my investigation in the right direction.Often, goals needed to be changed as new information became available. So while my approach would shift from time to time, the game plan never did.
Goals are essential if progress is to be made in life, but it’s tempting to let them take the place of the bigger picture. If they do, it’s harder to pivot and move in a new direction when events take an unexpected turn.
Goals are a measure of where we will be and when we will make it there. We try to predict how quickly we can make progress, even though we have no idea what circumstances or situations will arise along the way.
To thrive, use goals to plan your progress but rely on a game plan to actually make progress (click to tweet).
Search for Meaning
No one knows more about suffering, pain, and healing than Victor Frankl. An Austrian psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust, he thrived by writing the 1946 best selling psychological memoir, “Man’s Search for Meaning.”Frankl wrote how Auschwitz taught him about the primary purpose of life: the quest for meaning, which sustained those who survived. His wife was eventually killed in the prison camp, and he himself struggled to find a reason for his suffering and slow dying.
According to Frankl, everything can be taken from a person except one thing: the most important human freedom—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way of thinking about their life.
When we choose our attitude, we are free to focus on the things that are important and give us meaning in life: our dedication to a cause greater than ourself.Whether you are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or a woman rescued from an illegal prostitution ring, it’s impossible to thrive without the mental toughness needed to prevail over your struggles so you can take control and live a life of purpose.
© 2013 LaRaeQuy. All rights reserved.
You can follow me on Twitter
Sign up for my FREE Mental Toughness Mini-Course
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on AmazonYes, You Can . . .
Sunday, July 7th, 2013
A great deal of what I learned during my 4 months at the
FBI Academy as a new agent had to do with facing adversity and
overcoming obstacles. Each of us were pushed to the limit of endurance
and performance to where we wanted to say “I can’t.” If we weren’t
pushed into our discomfort zone, the instructors weren’t doing their
job.
In my book, Secrets of A Strong Mind, I talk about my training at the Academy. I expected rigorous defensive tactics training, but I was not prepared for the intense mental discipline that accompanied it. As it turned out, the FBI’s use of brain power tactics significantly impacted the way I have lived the rest of my life. These tactics taught agents like myself how to create new ways of thinking about overcoming obstacles and breaking through barriers. They showed agents how to develop a Can-Do attitude early in our career.
As a trained investigator, I’ve been taught to look for evidence. And there’s actually scientific theory to back up the FBI’s brain power tactics approach.
Neuroscientists have learned that whenever you learn something new, you change your neural connections. When we reinforce a way of thinking, either new connections are formed or old ones are strengthened (click to tweet). So, when you maintain a Can-Do attitude and think in positive, constructive ways, these connections become more durable and easier to activate. This is a tremendous concept, because it shows us how we can change our behavior.
We can train our brain to make positive patterns more automatic (click to tweet). When we look for and become more aware of positive aspects of life, we fight off our brain’s natural tendency to scan and spot the negatives. This allows us to look at obstacles and barriers in new ways.
This brain power tactic came in very useful, because one of my most successful FBI investigations was also one of my longest—four years. I worked counterintelligence and espionage cases and my job was to identify foreign spies working inside the U.S. and attempt to recruit them to work for the FBI.
I was the case agent for a Russian assigned to the San Francisco Russian Consulate. The U.S. Government had no information that the official wasn’t a legitimate diplomat so he was given a diplomatic visa.
The first thing I did was send information about this official to friendly foreign intelligence services in other countries, and I queried KGB defectors about what they might know about him. One of the defectors came back with a positive ID that the official as a Russian spy who received his training by the KGB before they changed their name to SVR.
Since he had been afforded a diplomatic visa, the U.S. Government could not revoke it without political embarrassment. For the next four years, I put undercover agents next to him, followed him with surveillance cars, surrounded him with people who reported back to me on his every activity, and wiretapped his phone to find out who he was meeting.
By this time, I had collected enough information that I felt certain how to approach the official as an FBI agent and persuade him to work for the U.S. Government. Eventually, we did meet, and it was a successful meeting.
Persistence, hard work, and applying the “can-do” attitude I learned at the Academy is what made the difference between failure and success.
Here are some brain power tactics to help you create more positive patterns in your thinking:
This will make it easier for you to visualize your inner sense of strength. It’s faking it until you make it . . .
Success is in our mind. I believe we can change “I can’t” into “I can” by simply changing the way we think (click to tweet). Put brain power tactics to use for you.
What are some ways you are creating positive patterns in your thinking?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
In my book, Secrets of A Strong Mind, I talk about my training at the Academy. I expected rigorous defensive tactics training, but I was not prepared for the intense mental discipline that accompanied it. As it turned out, the FBI’s use of brain power tactics significantly impacted the way I have lived the rest of my life. These tactics taught agents like myself how to create new ways of thinking about overcoming obstacles and breaking through barriers. They showed agents how to develop a Can-Do attitude early in our career.
As a trained investigator, I’ve been taught to look for evidence. And there’s actually scientific theory to back up the FBI’s brain power tactics approach.
Neuroscientists have learned that whenever you learn something new, you change your neural connections. When we reinforce a way of thinking, either new connections are formed or old ones are strengthened (click to tweet). So, when you maintain a Can-Do attitude and think in positive, constructive ways, these connections become more durable and easier to activate. This is a tremendous concept, because it shows us how we can change our behavior.
We can train our brain to make positive patterns more automatic (click to tweet). When we look for and become more aware of positive aspects of life, we fight off our brain’s natural tendency to scan and spot the negatives. This allows us to look at obstacles and barriers in new ways.
This brain power tactic came in very useful, because one of my most successful FBI investigations was also one of my longest—four years. I worked counterintelligence and espionage cases and my job was to identify foreign spies working inside the U.S. and attempt to recruit them to work for the FBI.
I was the case agent for a Russian assigned to the San Francisco Russian Consulate. The U.S. Government had no information that the official wasn’t a legitimate diplomat so he was given a diplomatic visa.
The first thing I did was send information about this official to friendly foreign intelligence services in other countries, and I queried KGB defectors about what they might know about him. One of the defectors came back with a positive ID that the official as a Russian spy who received his training by the KGB before they changed their name to SVR.
Since he had been afforded a diplomatic visa, the U.S. Government could not revoke it without political embarrassment. For the next four years, I put undercover agents next to him, followed him with surveillance cars, surrounded him with people who reported back to me on his every activity, and wiretapped his phone to find out who he was meeting.
By this time, I had collected enough information that I felt certain how to approach the official as an FBI agent and persuade him to work for the U.S. Government. Eventually, we did meet, and it was a successful meeting.
Persistence, hard work, and applying the “can-do” attitude I learned at the Academy is what made the difference between failure and success.
Here are some brain power tactics to help you create more positive patterns in your thinking:
1. No Pain, No Gain
Where most folks go wrong is in assuming that if they feel discomfort, they’re not ready for a challenge. Don’t pretend that discomfort does not exist; instead, the goal is to find strategies to cope with the discomfort. New neural connections are created with each new experience.2. Visualize Your Peak Performance
This is not fantasy or wishful thinking. Studies have shown that fantasies of success can actually be counterproductive. Rather, it is anticipating how things could go wrong and counteracting, by visualizing your positive responses. Visualize how you will react and respond when criticized by a colleague, predict your performance in the morning meeting, and be prepared for the hard questions that will come from your boss.This will make it easier for you to visualize your inner sense of strength. It’s faking it until you make it . . .
3. Broadcast Your Intentions
We all learn in different ways. Some of are hardwired to process by speaking, others by writing, and others by listening. Talk to friends, write in journals, or speak into a recorder and listen to yourself talk. All are ways we can access different aspects of our brain so we can continue to create positive neural connections.4. Give Yourself A Deadline
One of the best brain power tactics is to put yourself under a deadline so you can achieve your goal even in the midst of interruptions and distractions. The more you can practice “under the gun,” the more confidence in yourself you will achieve. This positive reinforcement is an important component in creating new ways of thinking about your performance, especially when facing obstacles and breaking through barriers.Success is in our mind. I believe we can change “I can’t” into “I can” by simply changing the way we think (click to tweet). Put brain power tactics to use for you.
What are some ways you are creating positive patterns in your thinking?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.Escape: How To Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
Thursday, June 20th, 2013Watching Steve McQueen jump over a high wood fence on a motorcycle in the 1963 classic film The Great Escape is one of my favorite movie scenes. We all watch in anticipation, asking ourselves this one important question: Can he do the impossible?
This scene inspires us to see others overcome obstacles
because, for a moment, we’re along for the ride; we experience the
feeling of breaking through barriers to see what lies on the other side.
When it comes to our own lives, however, we’re less adventurous.Barriers take on the look of a wall designed to keep us confined and not a hitch in the plan that demands we use our resources.Why can Steve McQueen jump the high wood fence on his motorcycle but we can’t escape from a bad relationship, change jobs, start a business, or lose 20 pounds? He is defining his future; we are stuck with an inevitable destiny.
Our approach to barriers is what determines our success. Strong minds use the same strengths that made them successful to get them through the tough times.
In our culture, we use the barriers that life presents us as a shield from risk, uncertainty, and discomfort. We hesitate to move out of our comfort zone. It’s easier to logically accept the facts surrounding our disappointment and not actually feel the disappointment. We convince ourselves that everything is “fine the way it is” so we don’t have to feel the regret of a life not well lived.The only difference between a rut and a coffin are the dimensions.ClickToTweetThisThis is a guest post on Linked2Leadership. To read the rest of the article, click HERE:
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.Effective Leaders are Authentic, Positive & Bold
Sunday, June 16th, 2013
Recently, I was honored to be a guest on The Iron Jen Show, a radio program dedicated to helping leaders overcome adversity.
Iron Jen asked questions about which characteristics are essential in leaders who overcome obstacles and adversity. We talked about several examples I provided in my book, Secrets of A Strong Mind. Among the topics we discussed during the interview were the roles of authenticity, faith, positive thinking, and boldness in effective leadership.
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
Iron Jen asked questions about which characteristics are essential in leaders who overcome obstacles and adversity. We talked about several examples I provided in my book, Secrets of A Strong Mind. Among the topics we discussed during the interview were the roles of authenticity, faith, positive thinking, and boldness in effective leadership.
This is a transcript of that interview:
http://blogtalk.vo.llnwd.net/o23/show/4/961/show_4961913.mp3
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.Resilience: Why the 3 Women Captives in Cleveland Will Rebound
Monday, May 20th, 2013
Although few of us will ever experience the level of
abuse and horror of the three women held captive for ten years in
Cleveland, we can all expect to encounter a major traumatic event at
least once in our lifetime. The way in which we respond to risk,
uncertainty, and adversity is called resilience, and it varies widely
from person to person.
Experts cannot agree on one specific definition of resilience because
everyone’s definition of risk, uncertainty, and adversity is different.
What is certain, however, is that we all recognize Amanda Berry, Gina
DeJesus and Michelle Knight will need resilience to cope with their
traumatic experiences.
The essence of resilience is to respond positively to the changes that come with risk, uncertainty, and adversity. We build predictability into our life so resilience is not something we think about. And yet, the world around us is becoming more volatile all the time. The industrial economy is redefining itself and the financial markets with it.
We need to understand resilience if we are to survive and thrive in the face of change.
Let’s look closer at how all three women used resilience to survive, and because of that, why they have a good chance of rebounding from their experience:
As a new agent at the FBI Academy, one of the first requirements was for all of us to stay on the Academy grounds and not leave for the first 6 weeks of our training. This was tribe-building at its best, and it showed us how to build trust and lean on one another when faced with fast-moving situations.
Communities and tribes with thriving, interconnected neighborhoods find that the way they share resources helps them withstand unexpected change. Seth Godin describes tribe-building as an investment because connection thrives on generosity, not need.
Those who suffer alone are far more likely to break down. One of the most important determinants of overcoming obstacles, breaking through barriers, and surviving adversity is the depth and expanse of our networks. The tough and rugged go-it-alone image of John Wayne or other action heroes in movies is a fantasy. As human beings, we need the emotional, psychological, and intellectual support of others if we are to be resilient when faced with change in our environment.
Back in the day it would be called support groups; today, it can be called Facebook, Google+, or other on-line communities.
The opportunity for emotional disclosure is a huge factor in post-traumatic growth. Being able to “let it out” matters a lot. For many people, especially women, Oprah Winfrey was the go-to person for personal confessions. Repeated studies have shown, however, that most of us don’t need to confess to other people to receive the same benefits. We can write in a journal or talk into a recorder.
As an FBI counterintelligence agent, my job was to recruit foreign spies to work for the U. S. Government. The most vulnerable people were those with a negative attitude because they lived a life of quiet desperation, focusing on things they couldn’t control and always blaming others for their situation. As a result, they failed to focus on what they could control: their own beliefs, attitudes, emotions, and behavior.
Conversely, positive thinkers control their beliefs about themselves. And once they control how they feel (attitude and emotions), it positively influences what actions they will take (behavior.)
Most of us, however, have many competing priorities and it’s easy to lose our focus. We do not have to walk alone if we reach out and ask for help. We can find strength and support through a “board of advisors.” These are our “go-to” people when we need sound advice, a new perspective, certain expertise, or simply a good listening ear.
Normal people have problems. The smart ones get help~Daniel Amen (click to tweet)
As a new agent at the FBI Academy, I was taught to look reality in the eye and accept the fact that a bad situation is not going to change. Instead of expecting or hoping for changes in my environment, I adapted to my situation and searched for the positive in it.
Soldiers returning from war and missing arms or legs cannot hope their situation will change; it will not. Yet they can be positive about their new situation and find ways to survive their new reality.
Volatility is our new normal. The core principles of resilience are important to understand if we’re to survive and thrive in the face of change. The examples of Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight are a good place to start.
What would you add to my list of how to be more resilient? Beyond resilience, what other trait do you think is important to thrive in the face of change?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
The essence of resilience is to respond positively to the changes that come with risk, uncertainty, and adversity. We build predictability into our life so resilience is not something we think about. And yet, the world around us is becoming more volatile all the time. The industrial economy is redefining itself and the financial markets with it.
We need to understand resilience if we are to survive and thrive in the face of change.
Let’s look closer at how all three women used resilience to survive, and because of that, why they have a good chance of rebounding from their experience:
1. Create A Tribe
The biggest advantage all three captives had were each other. They became a tribe of three. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken~Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV).As a new agent at the FBI Academy, one of the first requirements was for all of us to stay on the Academy grounds and not leave for the first 6 weeks of our training. This was tribe-building at its best, and it showed us how to build trust and lean on one another when faced with fast-moving situations.
Communities and tribes with thriving, interconnected neighborhoods find that the way they share resources helps them withstand unexpected change. Seth Godin describes tribe-building as an investment because connection thrives on generosity, not need.
2. Establish a Support Group
The three women formed a formidable support group for one another.Those who suffer alone are far more likely to break down. One of the most important determinants of overcoming obstacles, breaking through barriers, and surviving adversity is the depth and expanse of our networks. The tough and rugged go-it-alone image of John Wayne or other action heroes in movies is a fantasy. As human beings, we need the emotional, psychological, and intellectual support of others if we are to be resilient when faced with change in our environment.
Back in the day it would be called support groups; today, it can be called Facebook, Google+, or other on-line communities.
3. Confess to Others
Confession is laying the heart open to others so that all is seen. Trust is key when confessing our true feelings because we are exposing our vulnerabilities. Ten years in close captivity, Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight shared every aspect of their life with one another.The opportunity for emotional disclosure is a huge factor in post-traumatic growth. Being able to “let it out” matters a lot. For many people, especially women, Oprah Winfrey was the go-to person for personal confessions. Repeated studies have shown, however, that most of us don’t need to confess to other people to receive the same benefits. We can write in a journal or talk into a recorder.
4. Keep Positive
When we heard Amanda Berry’s voice on the 911 call, it was full of strength and resilience. It was a voice that had resolved to never, ever give up.As an FBI counterintelligence agent, my job was to recruit foreign spies to work for the U. S. Government. The most vulnerable people were those with a negative attitude because they lived a life of quiet desperation, focusing on things they couldn’t control and always blaming others for their situation. As a result, they failed to focus on what they could control: their own beliefs, attitudes, emotions, and behavior.
Conversely, positive thinkers control their beliefs about themselves. And once they control how they feel (attitude and emotions), it positively influences what actions they will take (behavior.)
5. Change Focus
For the three captives, survival was their primary focus. They did not have many other distractions so they could stay in this frame of mind.Most of us, however, have many competing priorities and it’s easy to lose our focus. We do not have to walk alone if we reach out and ask for help. We can find strength and support through a “board of advisors.” These are our “go-to” people when we need sound advice, a new perspective, certain expertise, or simply a good listening ear.
Normal people have problems. The smart ones get help~Daniel Amen (click to tweet)
6. Accept Reality
Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight endured ten years of captivity despite repeated abuse. To survive, they had to accept that their circumstances would not change. Instead, they were able to utilize their psychological, social, and physical resources to stay alive. The safe birth and rearing of an infant in this environment is further proof that all three used what resources were available to ensure survival.As a new agent at the FBI Academy, I was taught to look reality in the eye and accept the fact that a bad situation is not going to change. Instead of expecting or hoping for changes in my environment, I adapted to my situation and searched for the positive in it.
Soldiers returning from war and missing arms or legs cannot hope their situation will change; it will not. Yet they can be positive about their new situation and find ways to survive their new reality.
Volatility is our new normal. The core principles of resilience are important to understand if we’re to survive and thrive in the face of change. The examples of Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight are a good place to start.
What would you add to my list of how to be more resilient? Beyond resilience, what other trait do you think is important to thrive in the face of change?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.Live Your Story
Monday, May 13th, 2013
Fantasy
movies and novels are very popular for a good reason: we like to
imagine we’re in someone else’s skin and living their story. The stories
of others can sound more fun and adventurous than our own.The stories of others provide an escape from the routine we face everyday, and they offer us glimpses of what it’s like to be the hero that confronts obstacles and overcomes adversity.
It’s not just movies and novels that keep us from being fully present to our own life. We also distract ourselves with television, shopping, online social networks, video games, cell phones, etc.
Becoming the person you are, or were meant to be, may be the biggest obstacle in your life right now. You can stop avoiding the opportunity to live your own life by developing your unique talents and attributes and recognizing them for what they are. This means experiencing the full spectrum of your true feelings: fear, anxiety, happiness, sadness, joy, anger, resentment, disappointment, excitement and despair.
Strong minds are empowered to excavate the significance of their own stories and experiences and accept themselves for who they are. You cannot be an authentic leader if you cannot lead yourself.
When you live your story you . . .
. . . Won’t lose faith in yourself every time you trip over an old weakness.
. . . Won’t waste time looking for love to make you complete.
. . . Won’t over-value material things.
. . . Won’t feel lonely when you’re with yourself.
. . . Won’t live in the past.
. . . Won’t live in the future.
. . . Will accept that none of your life has been wasted.
. . . Will not dread what is yet to be revealed about yourself.
. . . Will always look at the truth as your friend.
. . . Will no longer be looking for a place to hide.
When you live your story, you are empowered. Don’t dwell on mistakes you’ve made—they were important learning lessons. Use them as a platform to view the future. Remember, all things were difficult before they were easy (click to tweet).
What obstacles have you overcome to be the person you were meant to be?
You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/LaRaeQuy
Read my book ““Secrets of a Strong Mind,” available now on Amazon.
No comments:
Post a Comment