How to be Happy

By Luke in the News

One day a coworker said to me, “Luke! You’re, like, the happiest person I know! How come you’re so happy all the time?”
It was probably a rhetorical question, but I had a very long answer to give. See, I was unhappy for most of my life,¹ and even considered suicide a few times. Then I spent two years studying the science of happiness. Now, happiness is my natural state. I can’t remember the last time I felt unhappy for longer than 20 minutes.
That kind of change won’t happen for everyone, or even most people (beware of other-optimizing), but it’s worth a shot!
We all want to be happy, and happiness is useful for other things, too.² For example, happiness improves physical health,³ improves creativity,⁴ and even enables you to make better decisions.⁵ (It’s harder to be rational when you’re unhappy.⁶) So, let’s review the science of happiness.

The correlates of happiness
Previously, I wrote a review of the current state of scientific self-help research, and I noted that there is an abundance of research on factors that correlate with subjective well-being (individuals’ own assessments of their happiness and life satisfaction).
Factors that don’t correlate much with happiness include: age,⁷ gender,⁸ parenthood,⁹ intelligence,¹⁰ physical attractiveness,¹¹ and money¹² (as long as you’re above the poverty line). Factors that correlate moderately with happiness include: health,¹³ social activity,¹⁴ and religiosity.¹⁵ Factors that correlate strongly with happiness include: genetics,¹⁶ love and relationship satisfaction,¹⁷ and work satisfaction.¹⁸
But correlation is not enough. We want to know what causes happiness. And that is a trickier thing to measure. But we do know a few things.
Happiness, personality, and skills
Genes account for about 50% of the variance in happiness.¹⁹ Even lottery winners and newly-made quadriplegics do not see as much of a change in happiness as you would expect.²⁰ Presumably, genes shape your happiness by shaping your personality, which is known to be quite heritable.²¹
So which personality traits tend to correlate most with happiness? Extroversion is among the best predictors of happiness,²² as are conscientiousness, agreeableness, self-esteem, and optimism.²³
What if you don’t have those traits? The first thing to say is that you might be capable of them without knowing it. Introversion, for example, can be exacerbated by a lack of social skills. If you decide to learn and practice social skills, you might find that you are more extroverted than you thought! (That’s what happened to me.) The same goes for conscientiousness, agreeableness, self-esteem, and optimism – these are only partly linked to personality. They are to some extent learnable skills, and learning these skills (or even “acting as if”) can increase happiness.²⁴
The second thing to say is that lacking some of these traits does not, of course, doom you to unhappiness.
Happiness is subjective and relative
Happiness is not determined by objective factors, but by how you feel about them.²⁵
Happiness is also relative²⁶: you’ll probably be happier making $25,000/year in Costa Rica (where your neighbors are making $13,000/year) than you will be making $80,000/year in Beverly Hills (where your neighbors are making $130,000/year).
Happiness is relative in another sense, too: it is relative to your expectations.²⁷ We are quite poor at predicting the strength of our emotional reactions to future events. We overestimate the misery we will experience after a romantic breakup, failure to get a promotion, or even contracting an illness. We also overestimate the pleasure we will get from buying a nice car, getting a promotion, or moving to a lovely coastal city. So: lower your expectations about the pleasure you’ll get from such expenditures.
Flow and mindfulness
You may have heard of the famous studies²⁸ showing that people are happiest when they are in a state of “flow.” Flow is the state you’re in when you are fully engaged in a task that is interesting, challenging, and intrinsically rewarding to you. This is the experience of “losing yourself in the moment” or, as sports players say, “being in the zone.”
Finding flow has largely to do with performing tasks that match your skill level. When a task is far beyond your skill level, you will feel defeated. When a task is too easy, you’ll be bored. Only when a task is challenging but achievable will you feel good about doing it. I’m reminded of the state troopers in Super Troopers, who devised strange games and challenges to make their boring jobs passable. Myrtle Young made her boring job at a potato chip factory more interesting and challenging by looking for potato chips that resembled celebrities, and pulling them off the conveyor belts for her collection.
If you’re struggling with negative thoughts, achieving flow is probably the best medicine. Contrary to popular wisdom, forced positive thinking often makes things worse.²⁹ Trying to not think about Upsetting Thought X has the same effect as trying to not think about pink elephants: you can’t help but think about pink elephants.
While being “lost in the moment” may provide some of your happiest moments, research has also shown that when you’re not in flow, taking a step outside the moment and practicing “mindfulness” – that is, paying attention to your situation, your actions, and your feelings – can reduce chronic pain and depression³⁰, reduce stress and anxiety³¹, and produce a wide range of other positive effects.³²
How to be happier
Happiness, then, is an enormously complex thing. Worse, we must remember the difference between experienced happiness and remembered happiness. I can only scratch the surface of happiness research in this tiny post. In short, there is no simple fix for unhappiness; no straight path to bliss.
Moreover, happiness will be achieved differently for different people. A person suffering from depression due to chemical imbalance may get more help from a pill than from learning better social skills. A healthy, extroverted, agreeable, conscientious woman can still be unhappy if she is trapped in a bad marriage. Some people were raised by parents whose parenting style did not encourage the development of healthy self-esteem,³³ and they will need to devote significant energy to overcome this deficit. For some, the road to happiness is long. For others, it is short.
Below, I review a variety of methods for becoming happier. Some of them I discussed above; many, I did not.
These methods are ranked roughly in descending order of importance and effect, based on my own reading of the literature. You will need to think about who you are, what makes you happy, what makes you unhappy, and what you can achieve in order to determine which of the below methods should be attempted first. Also, engaging any of these methods may require that you first gain some mastery over procrastination.
Here, then, are some methods for becoming happier³⁴:

1. If you suffer from serious illness, depression, anxiety, paranoia, schizophrenia, or other serious problems, seek professional help first. Here’s how.
2. Even if you don’t need professional help, you may benefit from some self-exploration and initial guidance from a reductionistic, naturalistic counselor like Tom Clark.
3. Develop the skills and habits associated with extroversion. First, get some decent clothes and learn how to wear them properly. If you’re a guy, read these books. If you’re a girl, ask your girlfriends or try these books. Next, learn basic social skills, including body language. If you’re really introverted, practice on Chatroulette or Omegle first. Next, spend more time with other people, making small talk. Go to meetups and CouchSurfing group activities. Practice your skills until they become more natural, and you find yourself enjoying being in the company of others. Learn how to be funny and practice that, too.
4. Improve your self-esteem and optimism. This is tricky. First, too much self-esteem can lead to harmful narcissism.³⁵ Second, it’s not clear that a rationalist can endorse several standard methods for improving one’s self esteem (self-serving bias, basking in reflected glory, self-handicapping)³⁶ because they toy with self-deception and anti-epistemology. But there are a few safe ways to increase your self-esteem and optimism. Make use of success spirals, vicarious victory, and mental contrasting, as described here.
5. Improve your agreeableness. In simpler terms, this basically means: increase your empathy. Unfortunately, little is currently known (scientifically) about how to increase one’s empathy.³⁷ The usual advice about trying to see things from another’s perspective, and thinking more about people less fortunate than oneself, will have to do for now. The organization Roots of Empathy may have some good advice, too.
6. Improve your conscientiousness. Conscientiousness involves a variety of tendencies: useful organization, strong work ethic, reliability, planning ahead, etc. Each of these individual skills can be learned. The techniques for overcoming procrastination are useful, here. Some people report that books like Getting Things Done have helped them become more organized and reliable.
7. Develop the habit of gratitude. Savor the good moments throughout each day.³⁸ Spend time thinking about happy memories.³⁹ And at the end of each day, write down 5 things you are grateful for: the roof over your head, your good fortune at being born in a wealthy country, the taste of chocolate, the feel of orgasm… whatever. It sounds childish, but it works.⁴⁰
8. Find your purpose and live it. One benefit of religion may be that it gives people a sense of meaning and purpose. Without a magical deity to give you purpose, though, you’ll have to find out for yourself what drives you. It may take a while to find it though, and you may have to dip your hands and mind into many fields. But once you find a path that strongly motivates you and fulfills you, take it. (Of course, you might not find one purpose but many.) Having a strong sense of meaning and purpose has a wide range of positive effects.⁴¹ The ‘find a purpose’ recommendation also offers an illustration of how methods may differ in importance for people. ‘Find a purpose’ is not always emphasized in happiness literature, but for my own brain chemistry I suspect that finding motivating purposes has made more difference in my life than anything else on this list.
9. Find a more fulfilling job. Few people do what they love for a living. Getting to that point can be difficult and complicated. You may find that doing 10 other things on this list first is needed for you to have a good chance at getting a more fulfilling job. To figure out which career might be full of tasks that you love to do, a RIASEC personality test might help. In the USA, O*NET can help you find jobs that are in-demand and fit your personality.
10. Improve your relationship with your romantic partner, or find a different one. As with finding a more fulfilling job, this one is complicated, but can have major impact. If you know your relationship isn’t going anywhere, you may want to drop it so you can spend more time developing yourself, which will improve future relationships. If you’re pretty serious about your partner, there are many things you can do to improve the relationship. Despite being touted widely, “active listening” doesn’t predict relationship success.42 Tested advice for improving the chances of relationship success and satisfaction include: (1) do novel and exciting things with your partner often⁴³, (2) say positive things to and about your partner at least 5 times more often than you say negative things⁴⁴, (3) spend time each week writing about why your relationship is better than some others you know about⁴⁵, (4) qualify every criticism of your partner with a review of one or two of their positive qualities⁴⁶, and (5) stare into each other’s eyes more often.⁴⁷
11. Go outside and move your body. This will improve your attention and well-being.⁴⁸
12. Spend more time in flow. Drop impossible tasks in favor of tasks that are at the outer limits of your skillset. Make easy and boring tasks more engaging by turning them into games or adding challenges for yourself.
13. Practice mindfulness regularly. When not in flow, step outside yourself and pay attention to how you are behaving, how your emotions are functioning, and how your current actions work toward your goals. Meditation may help.
14. Avoid consumerism. The things you own do come to own you, in a sense. Consumerism leads to unhappiness.⁴⁹ Unfortunately, you’ve probably been programmed from birth to see through the lens of consumerism. One way to start deprogramming is by watching this documentary about the deliberate invention of consumerism by Edward Bernays. After that, you may want to sell or give away many of your possessions and, more importantly, drastically change your purchasing patterns.

Note that seeking happiness as an end might be counterproductive. Many people report that constantly checking to see if they are happy actually decreases their happiness – a report that fits with the research on “flow.” It may be better to seek some of the above goals as ends, and happiness will be a side-effect.
Remember: Happiness will not come from reading articles on the internet. Happiness will come when you do the things research recommends.
Good luck!

How to Stay Positive and Love Life

Monday, November 25, 2013 @ 10:11 AM Charlie Pulsipher

5.00/5 (100.00%) 1 vote

Depression, self-doubt, fatigue, unhappiness, despair, failure, dejection, uncertainty, hopelessness, and self-loathing—these are the emotions too many of us nurture, cradling them close and feeding them like beloved children. We help them develop into the monsters that control us. We teach them our weaknesses and encourage them to take advantage of our failures. Why do we so tenderly foster the enemy this way?

Truth is—negativity is easy. It comes without effort, without goals, without having to stand up and fight for it. It at least lets us feel something, rather than the emptiness that we fear may overtake us. Negativity is also addictive in a way as we build up habits in our thoughts and emotions just as we form physical habits. Once we allow negativity in, it also becomes very difficult to free ourselves. It seems to grow, breed, and expand in our minds and our hearts until it overwhelms everything else. We drown in it, huge waves of sadness and self-directed anger crashing over us again and again until we feel we can never free ourselves. This is, of course, a lie. There is always hope.

That does not make what you or I feel any less real, tangible, or dangerous. You are facing a battle and it feels easier to just stay the course, let negativity take you wherever it wants. Don’t listen to it. Don’t you dare! You can be happy again. You can stand tall on a forest path, breathe deeply, and feel contentment roll through your entire soul. Take it from someone who has found himself in that ocean of self-doubt many times, bullied for being smart, for being nerdy, for being too skinny, too pale, too shy, and too much of a host of other things I’ve since come to realize had little to do with me and my insecurities as it did with those doing the bullying.

Growing up didn’t undo all the scars and trauma though. As an adult I’m still plagued with the stigmas placed on me as a child. I still see the skinny kid with braces, glasses, and the inability to tan to save his soul when I look in the mirror. I still find myself feeling small and alone when surrounded by people. I still doubt myself. I wonder if my writing will be good enough. I am afraid and often broken.

None of this stops me. None of it has kept me from writing books, imagining impossible worlds, and finding amazing moments of pure happiness. You are not alone. You can do better, be better. If I can, anyone can, because deep down I’m just a shy kid still trying to figure himself out. Here’s what I’ve found to help. Take whatever does the same for you.

Meditation – Meditation calms the mind and our raging emotions. It also brings awareness to our thoughts. Awareness lets you choose which ones to nurture and which ones to kick to the curb. Pick out the moments of joy, the positive thoughts, and bring them to the forefront of your mind. Push the negativity away like the parasites that they are.

Experience Life – Take time to smell the roses. This is an old cliché, but clichés often hold nuggets of truth. They are repeated over and over again for a reason. There is magic in this world, in the little things we often overlook. Take steps to enjoy the things that make you happy. Feel the sunlight on your bare shoulders, squish your toes in the mud, and inhale the scent of flowers, fresh mown grass, or apples and spices as they bake in your favorite café. Negativity can make it hard to see these, so it will require a little effort, but the reward is well worth it.

Accept – Situations will come along that are out of your control, that tear into any peace you may have found. Tragedy, mayhem, loss, pain, suffering, stress, these are a part of life. Accept that these situations will come along. Do not worry about them or stress about the “what ifs” that could have prevented them. You cannot go back, only forward. Take a deep breath and accept what just happened as a fact that cannot be undone. Only then can you see clearly, begin to fix it, and take steps to make sure history doesn’t repeat itself.

Gather Positive Friends – Negativity breeds negativity and positivity does the same. Draw those optimists close. They may drive you crazy sometimes and you may never fully understand how they can see the world the way they do, but their happiness will rub off on you. On the other side of the coin, avoid those who are constantly complaining, the naysayers who feed your inner doubts. They are poison to people like us.

Affirm – Positive affirmations are super cheesy, awkward, and weird, there’s no denying it, but they work. So swallow your pride, look yourself in the mirror, and say something nice about yourself, your life, your job, or any other aspect of who you are. Doesn’t matter if you believe them or not. Doesn’t matter if they are completely true or not. The cheesier the better. Make yourself giggle at the cheesiness. Over time, you will start to believe them and they will become truth.

Make a List – Write down all the amazing, cool, fun, or awesome things you have done recently. No matter how small or large, these things will serve as a reminder that you do have your moments of pure awesomeness. Refer to this list often and add to it with every triumph.

Visualize – Visualizing is another cheesy thing that works. Athletes use it to train their brains to experience successes. Many studies have backed this up. Your brain cannot tell the difference between an imaginary experience and the real thing. The same neurochemicals are released either way, the same synapses fire, the same feelings of accomplishment rise up in your heart. If you have a hard time sitting down and imagining yourself getting that raise, talking to that guy you’ve been crushing on, or rocking that presentation, pick up a good book. Slay some dragons with the protagonist, travel through wormholes, vanquish the monster. Once again, your brain doesn’t know the difference. Books allow you to do things and experience success over and over again until you can create your own.

Develop Gratitude – Make another list of all the things you are grateful for. You will be surprised that the list continues to grow the more you think of it. We’re often grateful for things we even complain about. Little banishes negative emotion like true gratitude.

Laugh – Laughter seems like a hard thing to find during those dark times of overwhelming suckitude. It isn’t. Pick up your favorite movie that always makes you laugh. I have one and I’m sure you do too. Watch a silly animal video on the internet. I recommend the dog flying over the red ball, always funny. Find something or someone to make you laugh. Laughter releases a flood of calming and heartwarming endorphins to pick you up even at the darkest of times.

Find Silver Linings – Another cliché, I know, but another truth. Even the worst of situations has some layer of positivity, even if it is just the experience that makes you a more amazing soul having survived it all. The bullying I went through has made me compassionate, a peace-maker. As much as I would like to go back and keep the words, rocks, and even the punches from hitting their target, I am grateful I am the man I am today. Those helped me become this person who I have learned to love. I wouldn’t trade him away now. You shouldn’t either. Find those silver linings and embed them into your being. You will never regret it if you do.

Take Care of Yourself – It is easy to fall into a rut when you feel crushed and alone. All you want to do is sleep, eat ice cream, and wallow. You can lament your losses, but don’t mistake treating yourself like crap as mourning. Even if you don’t want to, make sure you eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep. Don’t let sleep consume you though. You should be getting your 8-10 hours and no more. Taking care of myself is one of the most difficult ones on this list and I often slip up, but I forgive myself and keep trying. It may feel like you are just going through the motions as you force healthy food into your mouth, do jumping jacks, set your alarms, and shower. You aren’t. These rebuild your damaged ego and help your body repair internally.

Get Help – Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a friend, family member, physician, therapist, church leader, or someone you trust. Going it alone is asking to fall deeper and deeper into yourself and spirals of self-deprecation. Not everyone will know how to help. Some will give you terrible advice, like “get over it” or “it isn’t that big a deal.” Know they mean well and just want you to be happy. Accept their advice as the love it is and talk to them about how you feel. Often the cathartic release of your words is the beginning of healing.

Help Someone – I’ve found nothing dispels negativity and depression like true charity. I’m not talking donating a couple dollars in the grocery store line when the clerk asks. Reach out to someone in need and do something for them. It doesn’t matter if it’s small. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have much to give. The simplest act of kindness will spark a renewal in you. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Leave a 5 dollar bill and a note on a stranger’s doorstep telling them to treat themselves to something fun and silly with it. Ring the doorbell, run, and watch their face from your inconspicuously parked car. Give someone a hug who looks a little down. Shake someone’s hand and pay them a sincere compliment. Put a post-it note on a coworker’s desk with a smile that tells them how awesome they make the workplace. Charity cracks even the numbest heart and fills it with warmth. Trust me. I use this one more than any other. It never fails me.

Good luck to you, whoever you are and however you feel today. You can be happy again. You can overcome anything this world throws at you. You and I are the same. We’re semi-broken at times. We’re sad and lonely more often than we admit, but we’re also survivors and we’re pretty awesome. Today we can step out of the darkness and do something different for ourselves.

You can do this. I have faith in you.

- See more at: http://www.sunwarrior.com/news/stay-positive-love-life/#sthash.PDsZkaIS.dpuf

How to Stay Positive and Love Life

Monday, November 25, 2013 @ 10:11 AM Charlie Pulsipher

5.00/5 (100.00%) 1 vote

Depression, self-doubt, fatigue, unhappiness, despair, failure, dejection, uncertainty, hopelessness, and self-loathing—these are the emotions too many of us nurture, cradling them close and feeding them like beloved children. We help them develop into the monsters that control us. We teach them our weaknesses and encourage them to take advantage of our failures. Why do we so tenderly foster the enemy this way?

Truth is—negativity is easy. It comes without effort, without goals, without having to stand up and fight for it. It at least lets us feel something, rather than the emptiness that we fear may overtake us. Negativity is also addictive in a way as we build up habits in our thoughts and emotions just as we form physical habits. Once we allow negativity in, it also becomes very difficult to free ourselves. It seems to grow, breed, and expand in our minds and our hearts until it overwhelms everything else. We drown in it, huge waves of sadness and self-directed anger crashing over us again and again until we feel we can never free ourselves. This is, of course, a lie. There is always hope.

That does not make what you or I feel any less real, tangible, or dangerous. You are facing a battle and it feels easier to just stay the course, let negativity take you wherever it wants. Don’t listen to it. Don’t you dare! You can be happy again. You can stand tall on a forest path, breathe deeply, and feel contentment roll through your entire soul. Take it from someone who has found himself in that ocean of self-doubt many times, bullied for being smart, for being nerdy, for being too skinny, too pale, too shy, and too much of a host of other things I’ve since come to realize had little to do with me and my insecurities as it did with those doing the bullying.

Growing up didn’t undo all the scars and trauma though. As an adult I’m still plagued with the stigmas placed on me as a child. I still see the skinny kid with braces, glasses, and the inability to tan to save his soul when I look in the mirror. I still find myself feeling small and alone when surrounded by people. I still doubt myself. I wonder if my writing will be good enough. I am afraid and often broken.

None of this stops me. None of it has kept me from writing books, imagining impossible worlds, and finding amazing moments of pure happiness. You are not alone. You can do better, be better. If I can, anyone can, because deep down I’m just a shy kid still trying to figure himself out. Here’s what I’ve found to help. Take whatever does the same for you.

Meditation – Meditation calms the mind and our raging emotions. It also brings awareness to our thoughts. Awareness lets you choose which ones to nurture and which ones to kick to the curb. Pick out the moments of joy, the positive thoughts, and bring them to the forefront of your mind. Push the negativity away like the parasites that they are.

Experience Life – Take time to smell the roses. This is an old cliché, but clichés often hold nuggets of truth. They are repeated over and over again for a reason. There is magic in this world, in the little things we often overlook. Take steps to enjoy the things that make you happy. Feel the sunlight on your bare shoulders, squish your toes in the mud, and inhale the scent of flowers, fresh mown grass, or apples and spices as they bake in your favorite café. Negativity can make it hard to see these, so it will require a little effort, but the reward is well worth it.

Accept – Situations will come along that are out of your control, that tear into any peace you may have found. Tragedy, mayhem, loss, pain, suffering, stress, these are a part of life. Accept that these situations will come along. Do not worry about them or stress about the “what ifs” that could have prevented them. You cannot go back, only forward. Take a deep breath and accept what just happened as a fact that cannot be undone. Only then can you see clearly, begin to fix it, and take steps to make sure history doesn’t repeat itself.

Gather Positive Friends – Negativity breeds negativity and positivity does the same. Draw those optimists close. They may drive you crazy sometimes and you may never fully understand how they can see the world the way they do, but their happiness will rub off on you. On the other side of the coin, avoid those who are constantly complaining, the naysayers who feed your inner doubts. They are poison to people like us.

Affirm – Positive affirmations are super cheesy, awkward, and weird, there’s no denying it, but they work. So swallow your pride, look yourself in the mirror, and say something nice about yourself, your life, your job, or any other aspect of who you are. Doesn’t matter if you believe them or not. Doesn’t matter if they are completely true or not. The cheesier the better. Make yourself giggle at the cheesiness. Over time, you will start to believe them and they will become truth.

Make a List – Write down all the amazing, cool, fun, or awesome things you have done recently. No matter how small or large, these things will serve as a reminder that you do have your moments of pure awesomeness. Refer to this list often and add to it with every triumph.

Visualize – Visualizing is another cheesy thing that works. Athletes use it to train their brains to experience successes. Many studies have backed this up. Your brain cannot tell the difference between an imaginary experience and the real thing. The same neurochemicals are released either way, the same synapses fire, the same feelings of accomplishment rise up in your heart. If you have a hard time sitting down and imagining yourself getting that raise, talking to that guy you’ve been crushing on, or rocking that presentation, pick up a good book. Slay some dragons with the protagonist, travel through wormholes, vanquish the monster. Once again, your brain doesn’t know the difference. Books allow you to do things and experience success over and over again until you can create your own.

Develop Gratitude – Make another list of all the things you are grateful for. You will be surprised that the list continues to grow the more you think of it. We’re often grateful for things we even complain about. Little banishes negative emotion like true gratitude.

Laugh – Laughter seems like a hard thing to find during those dark times of overwhelming suckitude. It isn’t. Pick up your favorite movie that always makes you laugh. I have one and I’m sure you do too. Watch a silly animal video on the internet. I recommend the dog flying over the red ball, always funny. Find something or someone to make you laugh. Laughter releases a flood of calming and heartwarming endorphins to pick you up even at the darkest of times.

Find Silver Linings – Another cliché, I know, but another truth. Even the worst of situations has some layer of positivity, even if it is just the experience that makes you a more amazing soul having survived it all. The bullying I went through has made me compassionate, a peace-maker. As much as I would like to go back and keep the words, rocks, and even the punches from hitting their target, I am grateful I am the man I am today. Those helped me become this person who I have learned to love. I wouldn’t trade him away now. You shouldn’t either. Find those silver linings and embed them into your being. You will never regret it if you do.

Take Care of Yourself – It is easy to fall into a rut when you feel crushed and alone. All you want to do is sleep, eat ice cream, and wallow. You can lament your losses, but don’t mistake treating yourself like crap as mourning. Even if you don’t want to, make sure you eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep. Don’t let sleep consume you though. You should be getting your 8-10 hours and no more. Taking care of myself is one of the most difficult ones on this list and I often slip up, but I forgive myself and keep trying. It may feel like you are just going through the motions as you force healthy food into your mouth, do jumping jacks, set your alarms, and shower. You aren’t. These rebuild your damaged ego and help your body repair internally.

Get Help – Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a friend, family member, physician, therapist, church leader, or someone you trust. Going it alone is asking to fall deeper and deeper into yourself and spirals of self-deprecation. Not everyone will know how to help. Some will give you terrible advice, like “get over it” or “it isn’t that big a deal.” Know they mean well and just want you to be happy. Accept their advice as the love it is and talk to them about how you feel. Often the cathartic release of your words is the beginning of healing.

Help Someone – I’ve found nothing dispels negativity and depression like true charity. I’m not talking donating a couple dollars in the grocery store line when the clerk asks. Reach out to someone in need and do something for them. It doesn’t matter if it’s small. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have much to give. The simplest act of kindness will spark a renewal in you. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Leave a 5 dollar bill and a note on a stranger’s doorstep telling them to treat themselves to something fun and silly with it. Ring the doorbell, run, and watch their face from your inconspicuously parked car. Give someone a hug who looks a little down. Shake someone’s hand and pay them a sincere compliment. Put a post-it note on a coworker’s desk with a smile that tells them how awesome they make the workplace. Charity cracks even the numbest heart and fills it with warmth. Trust me. I use this one more than any other. It never fails me.

Good luck to you, whoever you are and however you feel today. You can be happy again. You can overcome anything this world throws at you. You and I are the same. We’re semi-broken at times. We’re sad and lonely more often than we admit, but we’re also survivors and we’re pretty awesome. Today we can step out of the darkness and do something different for ourselves.

You can do this. I have faith in you.

- See more at: http://www.sunwarrior.com/news/stay-positive-love-life/#sthash.PDsZkaIS.dpuf

How to Stay Positive and Love Life

Monday, November 25, 2013 @ 10:11 AM Charlie Pulsipher

5.00/5 (100.00%) 1 vote

Depression, self-doubt, fatigue, unhappiness, despair, failure, dejection, uncertainty, hopelessness, and self-loathing—these are the emotions too many of us nurture, cradling them close and feeding them like beloved children. We help them develop into the monsters that control us. We teach them our weaknesses and encourage them to take advantage of our failures. Why do we so tenderly foster the enemy this way?

Truth is—negativity is easy. It comes without effort, without goals, without having to stand up and fight for it. It at least lets us feel something, rather than the emptiness that we fear may overtake us. Negativity is also addictive in a way as we build up habits in our thoughts and emotions just as we form physical habits. Once we allow negativity in, it also becomes very difficult to free ourselves. It seems to grow, breed, and expand in our minds and our hearts until it overwhelms everything else. We drown in it, huge waves of sadness and self-directed anger crashing over us again and again until we feel we can never free ourselves. This is, of course, a lie. There is always hope.

That does not make what you or I feel any less real, tangible, or dangerous. You are facing a battle and it feels easier to just stay the course, let negativity take you wherever it wants. Don’t listen to it. Don’t you dare! You can be happy again. You can stand tall on a forest path, breathe deeply, and feel contentment roll through your entire soul. Take it from someone who has found himself in that ocean of self-doubt many times, bullied for being smart, for being nerdy, for being too skinny, too pale, too shy, and too much of a host of other things I’ve since come to realize had little to do with me and my insecurities as it did with those doing the bullying.

Growing up didn’t undo all the scars and trauma though. As an adult I’m still plagued with the stigmas placed on me as a child. I still see the skinny kid with braces, glasses, and the inability to tan to save his soul when I look in the mirror. I still find myself feeling small and alone when surrounded by people. I still doubt myself. I wonder if my writing will be good enough. I am afraid and often broken.

None of this stops me. None of it has kept me from writing books, imagining impossible worlds, and finding amazing moments of pure happiness. You are not alone. You can do better, be better. If I can, anyone can, because deep down I’m just a shy kid still trying to figure himself out. Here’s what I’ve found to help. Take whatever does the same for you.

Meditation – Meditation calms the mind and our raging emotions. It also brings awareness to our thoughts. Awareness lets you choose which ones to nurture and which ones to kick to the curb. Pick out the moments of joy, the positive thoughts, and bring them to the forefront of your mind. Push the negativity away like the parasites that they are.

Experience Life – Take time to smell the roses. This is an old cliché, but clichés often hold nuggets of truth. They are repeated over and over again for a reason. There is magic in this world, in the little things we often overlook. Take steps to enjoy the things that make you happy. Feel the sunlight on your bare shoulders, squish your toes in the mud, and inhale the scent of flowers, fresh mown grass, or apples and spices as they bake in your favorite café. Negativity can make it hard to see these, so it will require a little effort, but the reward is well worth it.

Accept – Situations will come along that are out of your control, that tear into any peace you may have found. Tragedy, mayhem, loss, pain, suffering, stress, these are a part of life. Accept that these situations will come along. Do not worry about them or stress about the “what ifs” that could have prevented them. You cannot go back, only forward. Take a deep breath and accept what just happened as a fact that cannot be undone. Only then can you see clearly, begin to fix it, and take steps to make sure history doesn’t repeat itself.

Gather Positive Friends – Negativity breeds negativity and positivity does the same. Draw those optimists close. They may drive you crazy sometimes and you may never fully understand how they can see the world the way they do, but their happiness will rub off on you. On the other side of the coin, avoid those who are constantly complaining, the naysayers who feed your inner doubts. They are poison to people like us.

Affirm – Positive affirmations are super cheesy, awkward, and weird, there’s no denying it, but they work. So swallow your pride, look yourself in the mirror, and say something nice about yourself, your life, your job, or any other aspect of who you are. Doesn’t matter if you believe them or not. Doesn’t matter if they are completely true or not. The cheesier the better. Make yourself giggle at the cheesiness. Over time, you will start to believe them and they will become truth.

Make a List – Write down all the amazing, cool, fun, or awesome things you have done recently. No matter how small or large, these things will serve as a reminder that you do have your moments of pure awesomeness. Refer to this list often and add to it with every triumph.

Visualize – Visualizing is another cheesy thing that works. Athletes use it to train their brains to experience successes. Many studies have backed this up. Your brain cannot tell the difference between an imaginary experience and the real thing. The same neurochemicals are released either way, the same synapses fire, the same feelings of accomplishment rise up in your heart. If you have a hard time sitting down and imagining yourself getting that raise, talking to that guy you’ve been crushing on, or rocking that presentation, pick up a good book. Slay some dragons with the protagonist, travel through wormholes, vanquish the monster. Once again, your brain doesn’t know the difference. Books allow you to do things and experience success over and over again until you can create your own.

Develop Gratitude – Make another list of all the things you are grateful for. You will be surprised that the list continues to grow the more you think of it. We’re often grateful for things we even complain about. Little banishes negative emotion like true gratitude.

Laugh – Laughter seems like a hard thing to find during those dark times of overwhelming suckitude. It isn’t. Pick up your favorite movie that always makes you laugh. I have one and I’m sure you do too. Watch a silly animal video on the internet. I recommend the dog flying over the red ball, always funny. Find something or someone to make you laugh. Laughter releases a flood of calming and heartwarming endorphins to pick you up even at the darkest of times.

Find Silver Linings – Another cliché, I know, but another truth. Even the worst of situations has some layer of positivity, even if it is just the experience that makes you a more amazing soul having survived it all. The bullying I went through has made me compassionate, a peace-maker. As much as I would like to go back and keep the words, rocks, and even the punches from hitting their target, I am grateful I am the man I am today. Those helped me become this person who I have learned to love. I wouldn’t trade him away now. You shouldn’t either. Find those silver linings and embed them into your being. You will never regret it if you do.

Take Care of Yourself – It is easy to fall into a rut when you feel crushed and alone. All you want to do is sleep, eat ice cream, and wallow. You can lament your losses, but don’t mistake treating yourself like crap as mourning. Even if you don’t want to, make sure you eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep. Don’t let sleep consume you though. You should be getting your 8-10 hours and no more. Taking care of myself is one of the most difficult ones on this list and I often slip up, but I forgive myself and keep trying. It may feel like you are just going through the motions as you force healthy food into your mouth, do jumping jacks, set your alarms, and shower. You aren’t. These rebuild your damaged ego and help your body repair internally.

Get Help – Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a friend, family member, physician, therapist, church leader, or someone you trust. Going it alone is asking to fall deeper and deeper into yourself and spirals of self-deprecation. Not everyone will know how to help. Some will give you terrible advice, like “get over it” or “it isn’t that big a deal.” Know they mean well and just want you to be happy. Accept their advice as the love it is and talk to them about how you feel. Often the cathartic release of your words is the beginning of healing.

Help Someone – I’ve found nothing dispels negativity and depression like true charity. I’m not talking donating a couple dollars in the grocery store line when the clerk asks. Reach out to someone in need and do something for them. It doesn’t matter if it’s small. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have much to give. The simplest act of kindness will spark a renewal in you. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Leave a 5 dollar bill and a note on a stranger’s doorstep telling them to treat themselves to something fun and silly with it. Ring the doorbell, run, and watch their face from your inconspicuously parked car. Give someone a hug who looks a little down. Shake someone’s hand and pay them a sincere compliment. Put a post-it note on a coworker’s desk with a smile that tells them how awesome they make the workplace. Charity cracks even the numbest heart and fills it with warmth. Trust me. I use this one more than any other. It never fails me.

Good luck to you, whoever you are and however you feel today. You can be happy again. You can overcome anything this world throws at you. You and I are the same. We’re semi-broken at times. We’re sad and lonely more often than we admit, but we’re also survivors and we’re pretty awesome. Today we can step out of the darkness and do something different for ourselves.

You can do this. I have faith in you.

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