Suicide Attempt Survivors Stories

Ryan Rivera: Suffering from a slew of disorders, I lived a life on pause. I couldn’t work and
engage in social situations, and I didn’t have enough energy to enjoy the day. Every day was an uphill battle against anxiety, agoraphobia, panic attacks and physically debilitating symptoms. What I had was the complete package. I felt beaten by my disorders, and then came another – my suicidal thoughts.
Being consumed with so many intense thoughts and feelings, I often considered just ending my suffering. During especially dark moments, I contemplated killing myself. These were not proud moments for me. I had lost hope that I could get better. I didn’t see an end to my problems and constant worrying. My faith was dwindling.
The suicide attempt happened one day. I got a call from my cousin asking me to go out to celebrate his birthday. At first I was all right, but as the time of the dinner got closer, I started feeling more and more anxious. Were there going to be strangers at the dinner? Could I survive a whole night outside? My fears got the better of me. I ended up paralyzed inside my bathroom. I almost downed a whole bottle of pills in the hopes of calming down. Luckily, I stopped myself and settled for just lying on the floor and falling asleep.
It wasn’t until a friend of mine talked to me about how my panic symptoms could lead me down a dark road that I realized how close I got to ending my own life. I didn’t think I was about to commit suicide until I had a handful of pills at the ready.  He said that not dealing with my afflictions would result in death by my own hands. I was stunned. I didn’t want to lose to my affliction.
I decided that I had enough. I wasn’t going to be a slave of my disorders anymore.
The first step to taking back my life began with asking for help. It took longer than expected for me to seek guidance because I wasn’t a social person. I needed to motivate myself to talk to people. It wasn’t an easy road. There were moments where I felt terrified of leaving my home. I was so anxious to talk to strangers and doctors. Through every difficult task, I reminded myself about what I wanted.
Taking a breath, I repeated a mantra to myself: “I will get better. I need other people to help me be healthy. I am worth the effort.”
Meditation really helped me find inner peace. I still wasn’t comfortable with dealing with people, so this solitary activity was perfect. Every time I was confronted with an opportunity to socialize or take a risk, I make sure to give myself time to meditate before I decided anything. I also made it a habit to write down all the great things that happened to me during the day to motivate me to continue doing well.
These small steps gave me the confidence I needed to beat my anxiety. In the comfort of my own home, I was slowly but surely able to cure myself. Also, with the help of my friends and loved ones, I got the support I needed to start again.


My son, Justin, turned 18 this past May _ Mother’s Day. It was a very emotional morning for me. See, on March 26, 2013 at 12:30 in the morning, I got a phone call. It was his number. He was at his dad’s house for the weekend. When I answered the phone, it was his girlfriend. “Get down here now, Justin shot himself.”
That was all she said and hung up the phone. When I arrived at his dad’s, the ambulance, police and fire trucks were there. As I ran down to the ambulance all I could think of was “Please god, let him be alive.” As I climbed in the side door, not breathing at this point, I saw blood and his body laying there whiter than ever. When he opened his eyes, I simply smiled at him, told him it would be OK and that I loved him. Looking back now, I don’t know if it had really hit me at this point.
He shot himself under his chin with a .22 pistol.
A helicopter ride and four days in the trauma unit later, he walked (yes, walked) out of the hospital.
While in the hospital, a psychiatrist sat with him for 45 minutes and never spoke with me or any of his other parents/step-parents. The doctor said, “He is fine, he seems remorseful,” and we left the hospital. I was dumbfounded. I contacted a local adolescent mental health facility. (During the next day at home, his temper and mannerisms scared me.) I was required to take him back to an ER in order to have him “placed” in the facility.
After a week of treatment, he was released. I contacted over 15 offices of psychiatrists and psychologists during the next week’s time. If they called back (most did not), I was told that it would be September before the doctor would be able to get him in. I think the only reason he got into the doctor he is currently seeing is because I cried on the phone with the receptionist.
I must state that Justin was an all-star athlete, not that great at school but passing, and no one close to him had any idea that he would ever consider suicide. Even now, I don’t understand what he could have been thinking or why he was so miserable that this was the only option. He is an avid hunter and had been around guns his whole life. There were no warning signs. No talk or hints.
The most difficult thing during this entire episode has been trying to find help. Trying to get in to see a doctor and help with the medical bills. (The helicopter ride was over $30,000 _ after insurance, it is still $6,000.) Not to mention the co-pays and medication. Then to face this without help has been challenging, to say the least. The doctors do not talk with each other. The hospital, while everyone was VERY nice, didn’t seem to have a clue as to what our next step was. I am very lucky to have the opportunity to spend more time with my son. However, this nightmare continues. You wonder if you should tell them they cannot go out or who they can hang out with. Do you pretend everything Is normal? All he says is, “I am fine,” “I promise I will never do that again.” I don’t know which way to turn or where to go for help. I try to be strong for him, it is very hard!
I am not sure what I want to get out of this post, maybe just to let somebody know that they are not alone, or maybe for me to know that I am not alone?

 Hi everyone, my name is Sally I’m 17 years old and I’m a junior in high school. And yes I’d love to have my story publicly shared because I feel as if it can motivate at least one person who’s thinking about committing suicide to not do so. Okay well my story begins when I moved to the U.S. as a 6th grader back in 2007; as someone who has English as her second language things weren’t so easy for me having to adjust to a new culture and all, and it didn’t help that I was bullied by some of my classmates well because I’m African. As the quiet, shy person I am, I always kept things to myself and never told anyone that I was getting bullied and it continued to happen until my 7th grade year and finally stopped my 8th grade year. But then my freshman year in high school I fell for a senior who took advantage of me and then treated me like dirt; but I still acted as if it didn’t bother me or hurt me so everything just kept building up inside of me. Then came my sophomore year and it wasn’t the best year family wise or academically; my mom and I were having MANY issues, she thought I was going out doing God knows what when really I wasn’t. So one day when I came home she beat me and called me every name in the book; coming from my mom it hurt more than anything in this world, I had never EVER seen her that angry at me. Then everything just finally exploded I felt lonely, unwanted and thought “well if I just end it now no one will ever miss me because I don’t matter at all… I’m a piece of crap.” … but just as I was about to pass out my sister found me and told the whole family. From there on I was taken to therapy with my counselor and a teacher of mine who went through the same thing helped me out every single day and made realize that my life could be a WHOLE lot worse and that I AM special and I’m worth being in this world and that people do love me. Now everything is fine between my mom and I, she apologized to me over ten thousand times and all I have to say is I’m thankful to have gone through this experience because it taught me a whole lot. Now I use my experience to help underclassmen at my school get through their issues and not self harm or even think about doing it.