How To Avoid Emotionally Abusive Relationships

How To Avoid Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Karen Salmansohn | July 2, 2014 | Living, Loving

Want to find your soulmate? Read on…
Once upon a time I used to suffer from what I call Prince Harming Syndrome – the tendency to date men who were either Trouble or TroubleD.
I remember once I was sharing a dark story about a particular Prince Harming with my buddy Scott, when the man at the next table at the café interrupted.
“Excuse me,” this stranger said. “I hope you two don’t mind, but I must confess I overheard you talking … and well … I’m a psychoanalyst … and I’m worried about you,” he said, staring directly at me. “Do you mind if I give you my free therapy opinion?”
“Not at all,” said Scott, answering for me.
“I have nothing to gain by telling you this,” the anonymous psychoanalyst began. “I don’t want or need your business. But as a psychoanalyst, I cannot help but recognize how this man you’re with is emotionally abusive. He sounds like a classic control freak … with sadistic tendencies … and you, well, you are a classic masochist … since as of right now, you are choosing to stay.”
“Masochist?” I repeated.
I looked at Scott. He meekly shrugged.
“But it’s good news, too,” the anonymous psychoanalyst said. “Masochists always have the most hope for change, because masochists always blame themselves. So … search deeply for why you’re with this man, your responsibility for having chosen him … and get out while you can!”
He then grabbed his brown leather briefcase, and whisked out of the café — like some masked psychoanalyst avenger.
I felt both horrified and validated. My Prince Harming had been assessed by a professional to be a sadistic control freak.
And me? I still had yet to figure out why I had chosen him.

In my mind I wasn’t a masochist. I’d been tricked. The way advertisers use “bait and switch” my Prince Harming had employed “date and switch.” He truly did start out so nice. And he seemed so charismatic, smart, funny, successful.

“You really should end this dysfunctional relationship,” Scott urged me. “Trust me. You’ll meet and marry a great guy soon enough. You’ve just got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.”
“I accept that,” I told him. “It’s just the pigs, dogs and jackasses I mind kissing.”
Scott and I laughed heartily at the time. Thankfully shortly after this talk I developed the inner strength and clarity of mind to leave this Prince Harming. I recognized, however, just because this man was no longer in my life, it didn’t mean my masochistic dating tendencies had left too. I needed to do some serious self-exploration, and understand why I had this urge to go towards bad boys — rather than run from them.
Happily I’ve since broken free from my Prince Harming Syndrome and am living happily ever after with a true Prince Charming — thanks to the empowering insights and techniques I’ve enthusiastically researched and am now excitedly sharing.

My Hope: I want to help as many women out there as I can to also break from their curse of being attracted to Prince Harmings — so they, too, can live and love happily ever after.

Having “been there, dated that,” I wanted to offer up right here, right now seven quickie empowering tips from the book which helped me break my pattern — in order to help others break theirs.

7 Tips To Help You Find Your Soulmate

1. Did you have a parent with a bad temper?

If so, you’re experiencing what Freud called Repetition Compulsion. Your past is sneaking into your present. You accept being shrieked at as being “normal” when it’s not. Some part of you from childhood feels “you’re bad” and deserves anger as a ritualistic behavior. Well, I’m here to tell you, the time has come to stop these anger rituals!

Nothing in your past is in your present making you do anything you don’t choose to do. @Notsalmon (Click to Tweet!)

You are not your past history! You are not your past failures! You are not how others have at one time treated you! You are only who you are and what you do now in this moment.
2. Are you hooked into pain because of low self-esteem?
Perhaps you feel like you don’t deserve healthy love because of your weight, career, etc. If so… either improve your weight, career, etc., or change your view of these things. Start loving yourself — flaws and all. Focus on what makes you hot stuff! You’re funny, kind, generous, a great kisser. A guy should be so lucky as to be with you! The more you believe that you deserve healthy love, the more you will conquer and attract.
3. Have you stopped being a hopeless romantic — and now think romance is hopeless?
Have you lowered your “dating bar” so low that now only the slimiest reptilian snake-y guys are wiggling through? If so, raise that bar, by surrounding yourself with friends and family who are in healthy, loving relationships, so you’re reminded that “good love” is out there, and know what it looks and sounds like!
4. Are your values off-kilter?
Do you care more about money and good looks than you do about your self-esteem and happiness? You must remind yourself: The number one reason to merge your life with a man is that he makes you feel happier-not more anxious and depressed. You must also remind yourself of your top values for a man. Make a list and on it should be: even-tempered, kind-hearted, gentle, a good listener, a compromiser, etc. Also write how you’d feel being with this type of man (relaxed, safe, content, happy, etc.). Keep these lists in your wallet.
5. Are you an “enterpainer”?
Are you used to entertaining everyone with your tales of drama and conflict? Do you get attention and feel important every time you complain about how awful this man is? Stop settling for attention for the negative stuff in your life. Get rid of Prince Harming, and seek positive passion and purpose.
6. Do you keep telling yourself it’s not three strikes and Prince Harming is out-it’s 3,452,103 strikes?
Are you more afraid of the pain of temporary solitude than the pain of abuse? If so, accept that when you break up, there will be a temporary period of aloneness. Decide now to use your alone time to do things you’ve been putting off. Take a class. Join a club. You’ll get through the solo time.
7. Are you afraid to break up?
Don’t let the prospect of saying goodbye to a Prince Harming make you feel like a failure. Re-frame this as a success story. This ending represents your brand new beginning! Every time you miss your Prince Harming, repeat the word “Forward!” Remind yourself you’re moving forward, away from this self-hurting tendency and towards a better, brighter future.

Oscar Pistorius is suicide risk, depressed, doctors find

Pretoria, South Africa (CNN) -- Oscar Pistorius is depressed, suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and is a suicide risk, the doctors who spent a month evaluating his mental health concluded.

But he does not appear to have a history of abnormal aggression or psychopathic tendencies linked to "rage-type murders in intimate relations," they found.

The conclusions, read at the athlete's murder trial on Wednesday, are a "slam-dunk for the defense," CNN legal expert Kelly Phelps said.

Pistorius loved Steenkamp, agent says

Pistorius begins mental evaluation

Photos: Oscar Pistorius murder trial

Pistorius begins mental evaluation

The double amputee sprinter is on trial for killing his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp in his home last year.

He admits killing her but says he mistook her for a burglar and thought he was defending himself.

The prosecution says the two had an argument and he killed her intentionally.

The psychiatric report seemed to suggest that Pistorius's version of events was plausible.

"When Mr. Pistorius's appraisal of the situation is that he might be physically threatened, a fear response follows that might seem extraordinary when viewed from the perspective of a normal bodied person, but normal in the context of a disabled person with his history," the doctors found.

One of the questions Judge Thokozile Masipa must consider in determining her verdict is whether Pistorius behaved reasonably in the circumstances.

Several witnesses have testified that Pistorius tends to arm himself and go towards danger, rather than away from it, when he thinks he is under threat.

The track star's specialist sports doctor testified Wednesday after defense lawyer Barry Roux read the mental health report.

Wayne Derman said that Pistorius was "hypervigilant."

Mentally sound

The trial restarted Monday after a monthlong break when Pistorius was evaluated by mental health experts at the prosecution's request.

Pistorius evidence revealed

How will Pistorius evaluation play out?

Pistorius trial on hold for mental exams

They found he was not mentally incapacitated when he shot and killed Steenkamp.

An independent panel of doctors said that Pistorius was, at the time he shot Steenkamp, not mentally ill or incapacitated in any way that would make him "criminally not responsible of the offenses charged."

The report added that "Mr. Pistorius was capable of appreciating the wrongfulness of his act."

Had the doctors deemed Pistorius mentally incapacitated during the shooting, the trial would have immediately ended in a verdict of not guilty by reason of mental illness.

Verdict

At the trial's conclusion, Judge Masipa will have to decide whether Pistorius genuinely made a mistake or killed Steenkamp intentionally.

If she does not believe the athlete thought there was an intruder, she will find him guilty of murder and sentence him to a prison term ranging from 15 years to life. South Africa does not have the death penalty.

If Masipa accepts that Pistorius did not know Steenkamp was the person he was shooting at, she could find him guilty of culpable homicide, a lesser charge than murder, or acquit him, according to CNN legal analyst Kelly Phelps.

A verdict of culpable homicide would leave the sentence at Masipa's discretion.

Pursuit Of His Presence

Hebrews 6:9-14 
 9Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are convinced of better things in your case—the things that have to do with salvation. 10God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. 11We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. 12We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

The Certainty of God’s Promise

13When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, 14saying, “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.”

Devotional

Continue in the Word

by Gloria Copeland

“But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.” Hebrews 5:14
Reading, studying and listening to the Word of God is vital to walking in the spirit. Fellowship with God through His Word opens the door to your heart so the fruit of the spirit can flow out of it. This fruit is listed in Galatians 5:22-23 and is a part of your new nature as a believer.
When you think about it, you can easily understand why. The Word is spiritual food. The more of it you put in your heart, the stronger your spirit becomes. If you’ll continue to feed on the Word, eventually your spirit will be so dominant that it can overcome your flesh every time (Hebrews 5:14).
The opposite is also true. If you spend your time feeding on soap operas, romance novels and the 6 o’clock news, your flesh will grow stronger and your spirit will weaken. And though you’ll still have the inner desire to be loving and kind, the flesh will bully you into acting like the devil!
If you’re especially wanting to strengthen your spirit in a particular part of the fruit, one of the wisest things you can do is feed on what the Word has to say about that specific area. If you’ve been running short of joy lately, for example, make it a point each day to read and meditate on what the Bible has to say about joy and rejoicing. Build up your spirit in that area. The moment light comes, faith is there.
Jesus said, “If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:31-32). Continuing in the Word will help the fruit of the spirit to flow, to make you free from the bondages of the flesh. “Walk in the spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16).
Speak the Word
“I will continue in God’s Word and walk in the spirit, and I will not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” —John 8:31; Galatians 5:16
Need prayer? Call 817-852-6000. We’re here for you, 24/7!
Also, visit www.kcm.org/youversion to receive a free gift from Kenneth and Gloria Copeland.

Depression: Healing Through Psalms

Psalm 149 

1Praise the Lord.

Sing to the Lord a new song,

his praise in the assembly of his faithful people.

2Let Israel rejoice in their Maker;

let the people of Zion be glad in their King.

3Let them praise his name with dancing

and make music to him with timbrel and harp.

4For the Lord takes delight in his people;

he crowns the humble with victory.

5Let his faithful people rejoice in this honor

and sing for joy on their beds.

6May the praise of God be in their mouths

and a double-edged sword in their hands,

7to inflict vengeance on the nations

and punishment on the peoples,

8to bind their kings with fetters,

their nobles with shackles of iron,

9to carry out the sentence written against them—

this is the glory of all his faithful people.

Praise the Lord.

Meditate On This

Meditate On

…The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my Savior…

2 Samuel 22:2–3, NIV

Look Up For Your Supply

When the Israelites were slaves in Egypt, they relied on the River Nile, a natural resource, for their supply of water. They depended on their own hands to carry the water from the Nile and did not have to look to God for His supply. This is a picture of human self-effort.
On the other hand, in the promised land of Canaan that God had prepared for His beloved people, there was no River Nile to depend on. So they had to look up and depend solely on the Lord for the blessing of rain to fall upon their land.
Beloved, even as you labor diligently in your career today, what is your trust in? Is it in your self-efforts to provide for yourself, or is your dependence on the Lord to bless, increase and promote you? It’s time to look up, especially in times of economic turmoil when the “Niles” of the world are drying up. Look up to Jesus for your supply!

Daily Bible Quotes

Every day is a beautiful day for inspiration and faith from Daily Bible Quotes!

It's 7/2 and here is today's scripture:

A friend loves you all the time, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.     Proverbs 17:17

Want to Get Unstuck? Maybe It’s Time to Stop Analyzing It

Want to Get Unstuck? Maybe It’s Time to Stop Analyzing It

Danielle LaPorte | July 2, 2014 | Inspiring, Living, Working

You can work out your family of origin issues, and neuroses, and past life traumas with your shrink or your shaman. You can talk talk talk it out all day long (I know, I’ve done it). You can trace the cause of your wounds and why you’re so stuck. But at some point, eventually, who cares WHY you’re stuck.

Instead of focusing on how you got to where you are, you’ve got to shift your attention to where you’d rather be.

I’ve had at least a thousand conversations about success and desire. And I’ve noticed that when someone starts over-explaining WHY they’re stuck, it can be an indicator that they’re not 100% interested in getting unstuck. Recapitulating the past can provide a lot of comfort and confirmation. But…

Too much analysis can create paralysis. @DanielleLaPorte (Click to Tweet!)

As the saying goes, “Who cares why the elephant is standing on your foot? Just get him off.”
When I worked one-on-one with strategy clients, I began starting our session with this: “I’m asking you, for this hour together, to try to not talk about your past. We’re here to create your future, let’s just declare that the past has little bearing on where you want to go.” Some folks squirmed, could barely resist slipping into old stories. Some people were like, “What a great idea. I’m so tired of my story. Let’s move forward!”
Sometimes you can’t see why you were stuck until after you get unstuck. Hindsight and high-sight solves a lot of mysteries. In the mean time, you’ve got a new story to write, and it looks nothing like your past.