Sunday, May 31, 2015
Friday, May 29, 2015
Eventually, You Have to Stop Blaming Your Parents.
Eventually, you have to stop blaming your parents.
Nurture nature.
Hard done by, won by.
Inherited, genetic, prophetic, pathetic.
Too big, too little, too flat, too tight.
Domineered, engineered, relegated, antiquated.
Abandoned. Held too tight taking flight.
A shrink friend of mine said the most common pattern he saw in human behavior was that people didn’t start really living until their parents died. That’s a lot of lives only one third lived.That plague-of-a-condition stymies us from breakthroughs and realizing astoundingly positive possibilities for humankind. It’s that serious.
You don’t need to chop down your family tree — tho’ sometimes liberation needs to be that sweeping, and you must claim your soul over blood to come fully into your life.
But most of us could just stop bitching about what we didn’t get when we were nine years old and how that conditioning is informing our current choices in lovers and bad investments.
It may be helpful to keep this in mind most times: They were doing the best they could with what they had, and that’s that. Think of all the therapy money we’d save if we embraced that notion and got on with things.Some people die never having grown up. They were men on the outside, but boys on the inside, running companies and nations, on a payback mission for what they never got. They were intelligent, hard-working women still seeking approval to go after their girlhood dreams. And they died waiting for the world to love them right.
Ceasing to blame your parents for your current reality doesn’t invalidate the heart brokenness or the tick you have in your psyche as a result. It just sets you free to make entirely different and wildly empowered choices for your life today.
How to Clean Up Your Thoughts and Clear Mental Clutter
Every year, domestic diva Martha Stewart, comes out with a list of spring cleaning products and basic techniques you can use to clean your home from top to bottom. Her tips help you get rid of dust, dullness and dirt to give you that awesome feeling of stepping into a fresh, clean home. Because let’s face it, when your space is clean, you feel better.
I agree with Martha that a deep clean, at least once a year, is a satisfying and important ritual. As a therapist I also see the value in an annual psychological spring clean. So, while I will definitely Spring clean my living space, I also use the Spring’s energy of renewal to help clients and readers like you, clean up anything that is no longer working in your life.
Each year around this time I encourage everyone to get down and dirty to clean up thoughts and clear mental clutter.
Most people carry around at least a little excess baggage filled with painful memories from the past, guilt, low level relationships or energy draining situations. That is why it’s important to take time to analyze what you’re carrying around that is no longer serving you so you can release it. A psychological spring clean may include letting go of habits, behaviors, a job or a relationship that is no longer contributing to you becoming your best self.In order to clean up your life, you first need to know what areas need attention. Make a list of situations and relationships that have become problematic or no longer bring you joy. Once you make this list you will have a better understanding of the changes you can make in order to reset, release and move forward with the freedom and ease you crave. This may mean you set better boundaries in your relationships, replace a bad habit with meditation or start looking for a new job more aligned with your values.
If you want to Clean Up Your LIFE you must first Clear Out Your MIND. @Terri_Cole
(Click to Tweet!)
Executing
a proper Spring cleaning as it pertains to your life is a little more
complicated than power washing the windows. Releasing your attachments
to certain aspects of your life that may no longer be useful or adding
value can seem harsh or cut throat.Ultimately it’s up to you to decide what (and who for that matter) stays or goes. You can have fun with this by focusing on what you feel excited to release.
Remember, just as with cleaning, starting in one area often creates motivating momentum.Now I want to hear from you in the comments below. Where in your life could you use some psychological Spring cleaning? I know for me I am looking forward to releasing my late nights, so I can get up earlier and make the most out of each and every day of this season and the next.
I look forward to reading your lists so make sure to connect with me and as always, take care of you.
Love Love Love,
Terri
Thursday, May 28, 2015
You Are Enough!
Dear PP Tribe,
I am so excited to share with you my new project: Girl Power: You Are Enough. The workshop launches in September in Princeton and NYC and I am working on the book in between these blog posts. My first ambassador for the project is Justine Clifton. In her own words (which I borrowed from her inspiring instagram):
“I am 25 years old and have been an above knee amputee for over sixteen years now. I was born with Proximal Femoral Focal Deficiency (PFFD) in my left leg, as well as a minor case in my right leg. PFFD is a congenital birth defect that affects the pelvis, particularly the hip bone, and the proximal femur. In layman’s terms, it means I do not have a hip bone on my left side, and my left femur bone would have never growth to normal length. PFFD also often causes deformities in the upper extremities. I was born with very short arms with only two fingers on each hand. (Hence the nickname T-Rex.) As I got older, my left leg couldn’t keep up with my right leg and the pain was unbearable. So, my doctors gave my parents and me our options as far as surgery. Even though I was only nine at the time, they let me make the decision. Most nine year old girls are thinking about which slumber party to go to, or which sport they want to try out for, but I had to decide on something that would affect the rest of my life. However, it was an easy decision for me, because I knew I wanted to be just like the “normal” kids. I chose to amputate my left foot so that I could walk with a prosthetic. I won’t lie, growing up with a prosthetic leg and small arms with only two fingers on each hand was tough. I tended to be pretty shy. I used to be afraid to try new things and be seen by others, but now I want to do everything and try all things! I am the strong, stubborn, driven person I am today because of who I am and the things I’ve gone through. I have so much more confidence in myself and my abilities now, and I see life in a new light every day! It’s awesome! I just want to inspire the world, and help others realize that they are amazing just the way they are, no matter what they’ve gone through or what they look like! I want to be a role model/mentor to children with limb differences as well, because I did not have others like me to talk to when I was younger. smile emoticon #youareenough #trex#trexamputee #amputeepride #rockwhatyougot#iamadaptive“
So here’s what happened…
I made a video (who knew my videos were going to go so Ca-razy?!) where I was dancing like a total dork in my living room. In the video, I challenged everyone to be a dork. I said #daretobeadork. One of my instagram followers took my challenge and sent me her video. She found me through the Lucky Fin Project, who I support fiercely. I posted her video on my Facebook and within a day it had over 200 thousand hits! Justine’s dream was to go the amputee conference this summer and with the help of my FB page, she raised enough and then some!
So our big idea is to meet in person. And what better way than on The Ellen Show where we can dance like dorks together?
I am so inspired by this young woman. Wouldn’t that be amazing if we got to shake our tushies on Ellen? Anything is possible!!
My question to you, dear readers, is this: Do you feel like you are enough?
(PS – You are. You are enough.)You Are Enough! Don’t forget that. Ever. @JenPastiloff (Click to Tweet!)
But I want to hear from you. All your thoughts surrounding this conversation. Be candid and honest and for the love of coffee, be inspired by Justine.As Justine says, we have to love the skin we are in. No matter what. No matter what.
I am also hoping for young women (fourteen-eighteen to write me letters about when they feel like they are enough, when they feel best about themselves, when they don’t etc. For the book.)This is a dialogue that must happen! It’s vital and important. Post your thoughts below and if you forget you are enough, I will head over with some (or coffee) and sit down with you, straight across from you, and remind you.
You.
Are.
Enough.
Love, Jen xo
Don’t Let Your Pain Own You
Once when I was about sixteen, I was walking down Columbus Avenue with my dad. We were talking about something innocuous enough, and all of a sudden, he lashed out and whacked me on the side of my head with the back of his hand. It wasn’t incredibly hard, but it came out of nowhere, and tears sprang to my eyes. When I asked him why he’d done it, he repeated back what he’d thought I’d said to him. He’d misheard me, and thought I was being disrespectful. When I told him what I’d actually said, he looked pained, but didn’t apologize. He just said “Oh,” and mumbled under his breath. We kept walking, and I did my best to behave as though I was okay. I knew he felt badly about what he’d done, and wished he could take it back. Or I imagined that’s how he was feeling. I didn’t want him to feel any worse. So I took care of him, but not my own rage, pain, or very hurt feelings.
Unfortunately, that had become a habit of mine. I’d learned to direct my attention to the feelings of those around me, and to stuff down my own confusion, pain, anger, sadness, longing, and, to a great degree, joy.
By the time I reached adulthood, I had no clue how I felt about anything. Making decisions was agonizing. What did I want to do with my life? What made me happy, inspired me? I could not have told you.Sometimes we’re taught that our value is measured by how much we can do for other people. Or we’re dealing with a situation where someone’s needs or issues are so overwhelming, they take up all the space in the equation. My dad is a good person. He’s spent the majority of the last twenty years doing hospice work. But when I was little, he went through some dark years, and I believed it was my job to help him. To make him happy. As an adult, I understand you can never make another person happy. They are, or they are not. Only they can solve that. But it took me years to get that lesson.
The thing is, I took this tendency into every single relationship in my life, and once I hit adulthood, I took it into all my romantic relationships as well. A man in need was like a magnet. “Hey! I know how to do that! I’m not sure what to do with my life, but I know I can help this guy!” And so I’d dive in and get to work. Also, I had a huge fear of being abandoned, and so I thought if I could be indispensable, I wouldn’t have to worry about being left. I mean, if you spend your time and energy trying to be someone’s ideal mate, they’re not going to leave, right?
Anyway, I share all this with you, because a lot of people drag their past into their present, and wonder why they’re miserable. Also, a lot of people play out these patterns unconsciously, trying to heal an old wound. But it doesn’t work that way.
I didn’t realize I was playing an old tape. I just wondered why all my relationships ended in heartbreak, one way or another. It’s exhausting to try to be someone’s perfect person. And it’s a nightmare if you don’t really know who you are.
When you give to get, even if you’re trying to “get love,” it never goes well.
@YogisAnonymous (Click to Tweet!)
For
me, the practice of yoga turned the lights on. Instead of directing my
energy outward, I started to devote ninety minutes a day to figuring out
what was happening inside. The very act of paying attention to your
breath makes you present. You cannot love anyone, including yourself,
unless you know how to be in the now. Love is not an idea, it’s an action. And loving action can only happen now.If your formative years were spent pushing down your feelings, or editing them for any number of reasons, a disconnect occurred. The body is full of information, and it speaks to us all the time. We know this. We use expressions like “gut feelings,” “sixth sense,” “hot-blooded”. We might say we felt the “hairs on the back of our neck stand up,” or mention someone’s sweaty palms as a sign of their nervousness. Intuitively, we understand the body doesn’t lie. But if we cut ourselves off from that conversation, we lose access to our internal compass. And then we’re lost in the worst way.
In order for life to feel good, your actions and choices have to be aligned with your feelings, with what is in your heart.
So for me, practicing yoga reignited a conversation I’d long since extinguished. I’d spent years making decisions based on what other people thought I should do. It hadn’t even occurred to me to consider what I wanted or how I felt. When I had relationships, I never asked myself if I was having fun. Whether this person was helping me grow into the best version of myself, and vice versa. Whether we laughed together, or if I felt understood or cherished. Everything was directed toward my partner. How he was feeling, what was good for him. And that’s toxic, it truly is. A healthy relationship is a give-and-take. It’s a source of inspiration, affection, appreciation, understanding, celebration. I mean, it requires work, and it certainly isn’t always a party, but the foundation ought to be one that strengthens both people.Before we can understand how to love others well, romantically or otherwise, how to honor what someone else is feeling, how to listen deeply, we have to figure out how to do those things for ourselves. Love requires compassion and forgiveness. Your desire to understand your partner has to outweigh your desire to be right. And you have to find the balance between your needs and the needs of the person you love. It’s a dance. Ideally, you want two people who understand what it means to nurture and support one another. But before anyone can know you, you have to know yourself.
The other part of the equation for me was therapy. I think of therapy as the “top-down” part (your mind), and yoga as the “bottom-up” part (your body, your intuition). A great therapist will help you understand your tendencies, your old wounds, thoughts and ideas that weaken you, lessons you’ve learned that you might have to unlearn. And the practice of yoga (and by that I mean all eight limbs) gives you the tools to shift, grow and open. To liberate yourself, so your pain does not rule your life.
Healing is personal, and what you’ll need in order to heal is something only you can figure out. But I’d argue that’s your most important work. You have to get right with yourself before you can uncover your gifts and share them. And I’m pretty sure that’s what we’re here to do. Get quiet so you can know yourself. Figure out what lights you up, what scares you, what inspires you. If there are raw places within you that are longing for your kind attention, lean into them. You can liberate yourself from your pain by acknowledging it, it just takes time and effort. Don’t let your pain own you, let love do that.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Positive Quotes
Speaking the Word of God releases faith into the situation and triggers divine assistance.
Speaking the Word of God releases faith into the situation and triggers divine assistance.
Holding on to Hope
Holding on to Hope
by Joyce Meyer - posted May 20, 2015And now, Lord, what do I wait for and expect? My hope and expectation are in You. Psalm 39:7
God’s Word says that He wants us to be blessed (see Deuteronomy 29:9). It states we can and will be blessed in every way when we walk in God’s will. Satan wants to keep people fearful and hopeless. Hopelessness steals our God-given peace and joy.
The enemy tells people they will never have anything, their life will never change, and things will never get better. And when people believe his lies, they remain hopeless and discouraged. We receive what we believe, whether it is positive or negative, so it’s vitally important for us to have faith in God constantly, like Mark 11:22–24 tells us to do.
Refuse to be hopeless and put your trust in God’s Word. Be like Abraham, of whom it is said that although he had no reason to hope, he hoped in faith that God’s promises would come to pass in his life. As he waited, he gave praise and glory to God, and Satan was not able to defeat him with doubt and unbelief (see Romans 4:18–20).
Prayer of Thanks
Father, thank You for the power of hope. I am grateful that no matter what the circumstances around me look like, I can place my hope in You and in Your Word. I am at peace today because You are the source of my hope.
How to Be Mentally Strong
Not THE John Nash, the Nobel Prize winner who also had schizophrenia. But his son, who was a very strong player.
We would go over to his house (where his father and mother also lived) and play all day and then I would go home before my parents got home from work.
The son also had schizophrenia and I sort of could tell but we focused our days on playing chess all day. At the time, I didn’t know who his father was.
This was a family of brilliant people. His son was a strong chess master. The father was a Nobel Prize winner. Maybe that makes them mentally strong. Maybe not.
John, the son, disappeared and we lost touch. I last saw him I think in 1988.
Since then I’ve met a lot of incredibly brilliant people. Because of my podcast and businesses I’ve been involved in I’ve met some of the smartest people, some of the most successful people, some of the most brilliant people in the world.
Maybe they are mentally strong. Maybe not.
Often many of us are very good at constructing masks and it is never really known what is deep inside of us. What we keep hidden for fear of death if others were to find out.
But I can tell you what is most in common with some of the people I have encountered and maybe then you can tell me if you think these are qualities of mentally strong people. I would like to know.All of these things… anyone can do. Anyone can learn to be mentally strong and change the world as a result.
Wealth, health, success, strong relationships, and freedom seem to be byproducts of the traits listed below.
Here’s my trick:
I list, for each item, one-ten on where I rank and then I add them up. So somewhere between zero and 100.
Then every day I try to improve by one.
A) RELATIONSHIPS
The mentally strong people I know, the ones who have achieved the most in life, have ALL had incredibly strong relationships.
Friends, spouses, partners, and so on. I’ve interviewed billionaires, well known movie directors, athletes, scientists, artists. All have believed in the saying “You are the average of the five people you spend your time with”.
If you build up strong relationships, it means they are supporting your ideas, adding to them, helping you execute them, and not constantly fighting you or dragging you down.
B) HONESTY
This is not religious but math. The brain takes up two % of the body’s mass and burns up twenty-five % of the body’s calories each day. One in four calories you eat goes to fuel your brain.
When you lie, one side of your brain has to deal with one set of lies. And the other side of the brain has to deal with the other set of lies.
So to be at optimal mental strength you now need twice as many calories. This is impossible.
So the best way to be mentally strong is to be honest so all of the fuel in your body can be used efficiently at propelling your brain from strength to strength instead of fighting off the attacks on your weaknesses.
C) IT’S NOT ABOUT ME, IT’S ABOUT YOU
Whenever a girl broke up with me, it never seemed to be about me. That’s ok. That was a line to make me feel better.
I guess I should be grateful for the many people who tried to make me feel better by blaming themselves.
But true mentally strong people constantly are focused on others. They are solving problems for other people.
They don’t think, “How can I make money” since money is just pieces of paper fueled by a mythological story.
They think, “What are problems in the world that I can solve?”
They think, for instance, healthcare is a mess. And since we all know “prevention is the cure”, how can I develop a product that helps with prevention and diagnostics.
And, if you were a genius like Elizabeth Holmes, you would drop out of Stanford, make a company called Theranos, and do exactly that.
That is just one example.
Mentally strong people are always solving other people’s problems. The problems of the individual get solved as a byproduct of solving the problems of the many.
D) READING
I’ve interviewed over 150 people now for my podcast. Here is one question nobody ever hesitates on: What are the last books you’ve read?
Do you know why mentally strong people read? I have my guess.
We all have one life to live. But when you read, you get to absorb the curated life of another person in just a few days.
So if you read a lot, your one brain can hold onto the critical points of potentially thousands of other incredible people. You can bathe in their lives and come out a stronger you.I asked Freeway Rick Ross, the largest drug dealer ever, what books he read in prison that turned around his life.
He couldn’t read or write before prison. But then he taught himself. He told me instantly: “As A Man Thinketh“, “The Richest Man in Babylon“, and “Think and Grow Rich“.
I asked Tim Ferriss, author of The Four Hour Work Week. He said, “Radical Acceptance“, “Essentialism“, and “The Effective Executive“.
All 150 people I have interviewed gave answers instantly. I have no doubt if I ask them again next week they will all have different answers. I have never met a mentally strong person who wasn’t a voracious reader.
E) HEALTH
Because the brain burns so many calories, you have to have health in other areas of your life.
It’s hard to be mentally strong, to be creative, to execute, to change the world, if you are sick in bed.
This is not being judgmental towards those sick in bed. Sometimes we just get sick. We can’t help it.
But almost everyone I’ve ever dealt with in business or in life who has gone on to greater and great successes all acknowledged the importance of constant healthy transformation of their bodies.
This doesn’t mean lift 500 pounds. It means sleep eight hours a day. It means eat well (which simply means: less on processed foods, more on vegetables, and exchange your 15 inch plates for 10 inch plates), and move.Movement doesn’t mean running a marathon. It might just mean walking a lot.
Our paleo ancestors got their exercise from walking and climbing on their daily hunt for food. This kept them healthy enough to be our ancestors so I thank them every day for that by following their model.
F) CURIOSITY
If you are talking to someone and they say something interesting but you don’t understand, do you interrupt them and ask them what they mean?
I often don’t. And then what happens? Then, for the rest of my life, I will never understand what they mean.
Sometimes I’m afraid to ask questions because I don’t want to seem stupid or I don’t want someone to be annoyed at me or I’m feeling shy.
The only way to learn new things is to ask questions and be curious. Find the people who inspire your curiosity because those are the ones you will most learn from.
Then ask them questions.
The more stupid you feel asking a question, the more you HAVE to ask the question. If you feel shy asking one question, then ask TWO questions.
Every mentally strong person has this one thing in common: the things they most remember that has changed their lives have been the answers to questions they asked.
If they never asked those questions, their lives would not have changed.
G) LEARN, SAY, REPEAT
We think we learn in school. We take a class and a brilliant professor gives a lecture and we supposedly leave the class smarter.
But here is the science. Within forty-five minutes of leaving a class, college students have already forgotten eighty % of what was said in the class. By the next day, they have forgotten just about 100%.
Here’s how to remember: First you hear something. If it interests you, write it down as a note (carry a notebook. I carry a waiter’s pad because they are cheap).
Then use it in a conversation within an hour. Then use it in a conversation the next day and then the next.
NOW there is a decent chance you have learned it. Because you build various connections in your brain that have now been programmed with that nugget of information. That’s how learning takes place. Mentally strong people learn how to learn.
H) THE IDEA MUSCLE
People say “Ideas are a dime a dozen”. This is simply not true. Ideas are “a dime for three”.
Go ahead and try. Come up with ten ideas for surprises for your spouse’s next anniversary. The first three are easy. But, for me, then it gets harder and by #seven I’m counting the list over and over again to see if I reached ten.
Ideas are a muscle that need to be exercised. @jaltucher (Click to Tweet!)
If you get hit by a bike and are stuck in bed for two weeks recovering, then when you leave the bed your leg muscles are so atrophied you need therapy to walk again.The same with the idea muscle. It needs to be exercised every day or it will atrophy.
How do you exercise it? Pick a theme, any theme will do, and write down ten ideas a day. Every day.
I can tell you that when I was broke and suicidal and scared I started doing this. My life has changed 100% every six months since then. It’s been incredible. Like magic.
I wrote this and shared this with others. Now I get emails from people every six months telling me how their lives have changed.
When I was interviewing the rapper Coolio he told me he wrote lyrics down every day for seventenn years before he had his first hit. A year after his first hit he had the best selling song on the entire planet.
When he described that song to me he described which elements from which musicians who came before him that he meshed together to create his hit.
This is called “idea sex”. When you are an expert in one category and an expert in another then you are the greatest in the world at the intersection.
Exercising the idea muscle, plus learning, plus idea sex, will make you be the best in the world at whatever you aim.
What about execution? Execution ideas are just a subset of regular ideas. If you have an idea you want to execute on, then your idea list the next day should be, “What are the ten next steps I need to take?”Should you then take them? I don’t know. Mentally strong people probably make those lists 100 times a year and only need to execute on one of them to change the world.
Give yourself permission to have bad ideas. It’s only through diligent mining of the universe inside of you that you find the gems that will light up the world.
I) PERMISSION
Mentally strong people give themselves permission.
Why did the Google guys come up with the eighth search engine and think theirs was special? Why did Elizabeth Holmes think it was ok to drop out of the best school in the country to pursue a business dream?
Why did Henry Ford, after failing twice at car companies, think it was a good idea to start a third car company. Why did the Wright Brothers think it was ok to make a plane with spare parts from their bicycle shop when the government was spending tens of millions?
They all gave themselves permission to do something that has never been done before.
They all gave themselves permission to have many bad ideas.
They all gave themselves permission to risk their reputation and the forked tongues of the people who would fight them.
They gave themselves permission to slip and fall and get up and dust themselves off and try again. And again. And again. And again.
They gave themselves permission to love something so strong that every neuron on their brain would light up and conspire to make their dreams come true.
If you don’t give yourself permission to create a new world, chances are nobody else will.
J) PRESENCEI regret so many things from my past. Maybe that one time I lost all of my money, I could’ve used it to help my father live a little bit longer than he did.
Maybe I could’ve held onto my house. Maybe I could’ve been smarter about business.
And all of the time I am anxious. Will I give a good speech? Will this business I invest in work out? I hope it does. I don’t want to go broke again.
But whenever you regret the past, or are anxious about the future, you are time traveling.
Time traveling seems exciting but it isn’t. You can time travel all your life and then suddenly you are dead without ever having lived in the present moment, the only moment that exists.
Whenever mentally strong people find themselves time traveling they take a step back. They said, “What can I do right now to help otihers” instead of wasting time regretting the past or worrying about the future.
Worry and regret never solves tomorrow’s problems and only drains away energy from today.
Presence will always solve this moment’s problems.
Mentally strong people solve problems, love people, are curious, stay healthy, have idea sex, are honest with you, and make the world a better place.
I hope each day I can improve a little on each level. And if I run into you on the street, maybe we can wink at each other. We’re on the same team.
James Altucher has built and sold several companies, and failed at dozens more. He’s written thirteen books, and The Choose Yourself Guide to Wealth is the book to RULE THEM ALL. (Although he is also fond of The Power of No & Choose Yourself.) He’s an investor in twenty different companies. He writes every day. He doesn’t have enough friends. Still interested in knowing him? Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
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