I’m the New Christian
Or maybe I’m just the real Christian.
I can’t exactly pinpoint it, but the more honest I became about my struggles the more people were inspired. Each time I try to retrace my steps they all lead back to accidental blessings. The kind of accidents that shatter you, cut you, and change you into damaged blessed goods. I was so aware of each dent I experienced on my journey. I knew with certainty my life was beyond God’s glory. I’m Bishop and Mrs. T.D. Jakes’ daughter! I was supposed to avoid poor decisions. With God’s help my father and mother’s ministry has touched millions of lives. We could blame it on the pressure to live up to that mantle, normal childhood adolescence, or pure stupidity, but I stopped believing that God could use me long ago. Even if I dared to believe what they said about God was true it wasn’t applicable to me.
Grace was for perfect people, mercy for people who have never done wrong.. At least that’s the way it seemed. How do you access God’s forgiveness through the shame of your mistakes?
The more I wrote on this blog, the more curious I became about how sufficient grace could be for me. When I learned that so many of us, regardless of our background or last name, were struggling with the weight of our sin it taught me a valuable lesson.
You don’t just say you’re a Christian and fear disappears. You don’t give your heart to the Lord with one simple prayer. It’s a commitment to turn every thought, action, and word over for His divine use. I look back on when that moment first occurred in my life. I believed it was when I was dealing with infidelity that resulted in a devastating blow in my marriage. I was so hurt the only thing I wanted to feel was more pain. I wanted to finally let it take over me. I admitted that nothing I was doing was working. I’d been mad enough to earn an episode on the show Snapped. I investigated until I created new wounds. Anytime you take a beautiful moment and inject it with poisonous thoughts, you’re bitter. I told myself that it would help me heal and become wise. I told myself I was keeping it real now so I wouldn’t have to cry later.
I still cried every time.
How could I protect myself from the pain if I kept reliving the trauma? It felt like I was the only one suffering, but I hadn’t done anything. I felt I was the victim of other people’s actions, but the moment I allowed other’s actions to dictate how I lived I became more than a victim I became a slave. It’s not even possible to be a slave when you’re already free in Christ though, right? I traced my chain back to the beginning. Past my now ex-husband, past the police report, Air Force job, strip club, college dropout, early high school graduation, and teen pregnancy.. the more I traced it back the more responsible I felt. While there have been many times when I was wronged, there were many more when I spent too long grieving whom I was when I could have been growing into whom God created me to be.
We get to determine whether our labels become our realities. We decide whether we believe the odds or believe God. I dared to do the unthinkable and show love in the face of fear. I began to do things my pride would never allow me to do. I apologized to my ex-husband’s mistress. I asked her to forgive me so that I could make my marriage work. If you would’ve told me that before I got married I would have rolled my eyes like a roller coaster. I kept finding myself stretching beyond my comfort, but it wasn’t because I was courageous. It’s because I was afraid. The bitterness felt too safe. The fear became beautiful. The darkness was the easiest way to hide. I’d fallen in love with the luxury of not feeling anything at all. There was still this part of me that wanted to feel though.. then I learned that there were others like me. The moment I knew I wasn’t alone in trying to find happy, but not being happy I decided to find the grace that comes with being extraordinarily ordinary.
If you follow me on Twitter I’m quoting rap lyrics one second and scriptures the next. I’m spazzing out on an episode of Scandal then finding a message of truth in the storyline. And to be honest, Jesus turned water into wine and I think it’s one of His best miracles yet. That’s heavy huh? I felt the judgment when I typed it.
I guess I’m just learning that too many of us are trying to be the finished product and not enough of us are owning that we’re a work in progress. I won’t always get it right and I don’t ask for votes when I need correction, instead I search for God’s conviction. Sometimes I feel it, ignore it, and regret it. Other times I listen and wonder what fun I missed out on, but I thank God for the protection. We kill people’s flesh for them and laugh while they bleed.
We never once admit that we’re as afraid of the judgment that comes with being real too.
I know I’m not alone though. I meet people like me every day. It’s not just “those preacher’s kids” either. There’s millions and millions of people like me who feel God, but found him through experiences and not through His people. It could just be because we were too afraid to face them or maybe we didn’t feel worthy. I just know we’re selective over which scriptures we use to convict, but so quiet when we need the scriptures on grace. I know there is a balance somewhere between shame and redemption I pray it rests on the shoulders of being authentic.
A lot of us are more confused by the “church” rules than tired of them. I know in my heart that there is nothing like corporate worship with a group of believers. I just pray we, as the body of Christ, don’t demolish with judgment the work God is yet doing in some of our lives. Many of us don’t believe we can be better and we cannot infuse hope and hate at the same time. We must pick our poison and faith is the most lethal of them all.
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