I’ve heard the question, “What should I do?” a lot this month.
Between reader emails, “Should I focus on my passion or make money
first?” or friends, “Should I keep building my business or take the
dream J.O.B?” The anxiety that comes with these Big decisions isn’t lost
on me.
Last month I polled close friends about a business decision that had
plagued me for weeks. “Hear me out and tell me what the hell to do!” I
said. They know the drill by now (to ask smart questions) but for weeks I
ran around hesitant, afraid, and unsure before I was finally able to
decide.
All of us have Big Life Questions that force us to pause and reflect.
We doubt, we hesitate, we get excited. The very act
of deciding causes discomfort because to feel like we’ve made a good
choice, we first have to turn off the world, #1 hijacker of our
thoughts. Laundry, to-do lists, bills, tweezers, your boss – these have
no place in real decision making.
Add in self-doubt and genuinely hard circumstances – a new phase of
life, a break up, family drama, business transition, new career, grief –
and it can feel near impossible to make a decision.
I wrote a book five years ago compiling lessons I’d learned from
being at the Big Life Choices crossroads for over a decade. Career
decisions, relationship choices,
The Guide To Making Hard Decisions is the framework I used to help me decide. If you want to get clear, real fast and real good-like, download it now for free.
Today I’ll share new lessons I learned in the last few months of
decision making in my life. I’m always learning new ways to optimize
because: New level, new devil, as they say.
If you check out the ebook and these lessons, and then ask your
friends to ask you smart questions, you’ll be on your way to making good
decisions sooner than you think.
How to decide (version 2.0 of many more to come)
1. Can the decision be an “AND” instead of an “OR?”
My friend Al told me that often we believe a decision has to be one or
the other, without giving ourselves the option to have both. In our
panic to decide, our vision narrows and we only look at our options in
one
way. “Is there room to have both?” he asked me, “But maybe not at the
same time?” It was brilliant and instantly pulled me out of the
claustrophobic One Right Answer syndrome. When I thought about it
realistically, I could totally have both if I waited two months, which
helped reduce the boxed-in feeling I felt earlier.
2. Most decisions are reversible.
Al (bless his heart) also told me not to worry because more often than
not, choices are reversible, we just have to believe it’s so. Unless
you’re talking surgery, when what’s done is done, there’s nothing you
really
can’t go back to and say, “You know, I don’t like X anymore and I’d
rather have Y.” You might have to wait, you might have to compromise
some quality or other elements, but you
can go back and change your mind.
3. You feel loss more than you feel gain.
Whenever something’s on the line to lose, we feel it ten times more than
what we gain, even if what we gain is amazing. It’s human nature to
hate losing because we have to let go of our attachment to that
thing.
My friend had the option between a dream job with everything he wanted:
flexibility, security, great pay, industry relationships. But because
he felt he had to put his dreams on hold in order to take the job, which
meant never being able to pursue his dream again, he was freaked, even
though he knew it felt right. “But it’s a stepping stone that’ll enhance
the skills and contacts you need for your dream. You’re not losing your
dream, you’re gaining amazing resources and experience to pursue it!”
He breathed a sigh of relief. Once he got permission to keep his dream
alive, seeing how this job was also good for him was much easier.
4. Is it temporary?
The reason we freak when making decisions is because we think our
choices are final. Like #2, choices you make today are temporary and
based on today, not forever. You are not locked into a decision
even if it feels
permanent. Even things we usually think are forever – marriages,
careers, houses, are not. There’s flexibility in these choices even
years later, and your energy opens up when you stop thinking in
finality. I told my friend to see his job as a stepping stone into the
next phase of his dream and he realized he didn’t have to do the job
forever, just until he wasn’t learning anymore.
5. Use logic AND emotion. KNOW YOURSELF.
Smart decisions use both logic and emotion. In order to use them you
must KNOW YOURSELF. I’m logical but far more emotional/intuitive. Most
of my great decisions – professional and personal – were made with “I
think this is right” and “Man, this
feels right.” In order to
do that, know what you need. Earlier in my life I needed more structure
and challenge – where I learned and was tested. Working with
Seth Godin,
running my business, and disciplining myself to set a proper schedule
served this purpose. But now in my life I need more ease, simplicity,
and wayward dreaming – the space to do what I want without the order and
structure I genuinely needed back in the day. And sometimes I need
both!
Knowing yourself helps you not delude yourself and actually give yourself what you really want, instead of what you think you want.
6. Trust and have faith in yourself and your abilities.
This is a sine qua non for every part of life, really, especially if you
want to be successful. Part of deciding well is not giving into fear
that choices and
opportunities in front of you
right now will go away if you decide “wrong.” Remember, YOU created
these opportunities in the first place and will do it again when you
need to.
Don’t fear.
It’s hard to choose now, but YOU called your options in. Let this give
you hope and relief that you’ll do it again, even if you do screw up
now. Which you won’t.
7. You already know the answer.
Even if you
genuinely believe you don’t know the answer, you
do. Your body does. Trust the small signals it gives you and listen to
it. When you’re deciding, simplify your life and get back to natural
signals – body, heart, nature. Do things that allow you to feel in your
body and connect to it so that you start to hear its wisdom. Personally,
yoga answers a lot of my questions as does walking in the sun. Your
body will react to things so that you don’t have to fake the funk – if
it’s that hard to say yes to something and you feel your body close
down, it probably means you should say “no.
8. Get support and the right people on your team.
This is a big one. All of us have friends we talk to when we need help.
What you’re looking for are the one to two friends who prioritize your
heart and understand what you’re up to. There’s no agenda like there is
with close friends or family, who even though they love you (and God
love them) don’t know the nuance behind Big Life Choices. You want
people who’ve been on or are on the same journey as you. I called:
- my younger brother because he believes in me and wants to lead an excellent life too
- my friend Al who’s in the trenches with me and knows how to ask questions
- my friend Sacha who’s in the trenches and knows my heart and affirmed my heart
- two women who’d made the exact decision a few months earlier that I had to make now
It’s important to take advice from only the realest and best people
otherwise you’ll get burned (from experience.) It’s not enough to “sift
out” sh*tty thoughts someone feeds you – part of being successful means
you carefully select the people, mentors, books, advice you consume.
Find
people without opinions, but who ask smart questions, reflect back your
reasoning or question it, or people who straight up love you, “It’s
tough, but you’ll figure it out.”
xx Ishita
